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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 9:17:53 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving Part 1
I've been studying forgiveness for quite a long time, off and on, and felt like I was beginning to understand it fairly well, but there were still some things that confused me about it. So I asked the Lord to help me understand it and He really did! I was amazed because it seemed like things I'd read so often before, suddenly became quite clear to me! I realized that a lot of what we think about forgiveness is actually from the world and not God which is why we tend to get confused about it. So I'd like to share what I've been learning with you.
Like everything else, in order to learn about forgiveness, we need to look at how God forgives and what He says about it. One of the first things we will see is that forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with our feelings. Forgiveness, like love, is a choice. It is not a feeling. In Ephesians 4:32 we're told that we're to forgive others the way Christ forgives us, so as I said, we need to see how God forgives to know what we need to do, when we need to do it, and how to do it. One of the first things we notice about what God does is that He tells us when He forgives us. He doesn't let us wonder about it, He comes straight out and tells us so and tells us that He won't hold our sins against us now or ever again. In fact, He promises he won't hold our sins against us.
Isaiah 43:25 —“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. *
He actually says He won't "remember" them anymore, as in the verse above, but that's impossible since God knows everything, so what does He mean by that? What He's saying is that He promises that He won't bring them up to us or anyone else ever again; He won't beat us up about them or remind us of them. What does that remind you of? For me, it reminds me of how he loves us. He tells us that godly love, the way He loves, doesn't keep records of sins or wrongs, remember?. It's in 1 Cor 13:5. So when God says He won't remember them, He's saying that He won't bring them up to us or anyone else ever again. They're are as though they never happened.
This also reminds me of something else and I bet it does you too. There is someone who loves to beat us up about our sins, and who constantly 'reminds" God about our sins - Satan! The Bible tells us that Satan is our accuser and goes before the Lord continually accusing us of our sins.
Revelation 12:10 —Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. *
But our Lord is there too and every time Satan accuses us, the Lord says, "Paid for! and clean by the Word I've spoken to them!" and the case is dismissed!
Now we can easily see how each side handles sin as far as forgiveness goes. God doesn't beat us up with our sins. He loves us and when we ask, He forgives our sins and never brings them up or uses them against us again.
Obviously now we're talking about people who are saved right? God is willing to forgive everyone, but there is only one way that can happen, and that's to accept His gift of salvation. The only way an unsaved person can be forgiven of something is if they first accept His gift of salvation. Then all their sins are forgiven, just as ours are. After that, if they sin, they know they are not going to be judged for their sins because their sins were paid for already just as ours were. Now if they sin, like us, they're looking to restore their relationship with the Lord.
Please make sure you understand the difference there. Before we are saved, we're God's enemy and are under judgment for our sins and will ultimately go to Hell for them. Once we accept His gift of salvation though, we are no longer His enemy. We become His children. Now, instead of treating us the way a judge would treat a criminal, He treats us as His beloved children. So now when we sin, we aren't looking at a sentence to Hell, we're looking at a relationship with our Father that needs to be restored. Sin causes us to lose the peace we have in our relationship with the Lord because we feel guilty. So when we ask for forgiveness, He cleanses our consciences and totally wipes the sin away, restoring our peace with Him.
Let me repeat this one more time. The only way an unsaved person can be "forgiven" of anything is if they first accept God's gift of salvation and come to Christ. We'll go into this more later, too but I did want to make that clear from the start.
Since we are to forgive others the way God forgives us, we too are to "not remember" their sins against us when we've forgiven someone. That means that we promise not to bring their sin up to them, or anyone else, which includes ourselves, ever again. Remember though, this has nothing to do with feelings. This is about making a decision, a choice, of not thinking or speaking about something again. Yep, there's that nasty word, "thinking" again too. And you're right, that means we're probably going to have to take our thoughts captive when we have to forgive someone of something that's really hurt us, in order to keep that promise. Keep in mind too that we're promising God that we will do this, so it's not something we can say lightly and then forget about.
When God says, "I forgive you", it means a LOT, and He expects it to mean a lot when we say it too.
Now, I want to give you one other thing to think about today. When we talk about forgiveness, we're talking about forgiving sin that's been done against you personally. We're not talking about someone who has committed a sin against you, and has not repented of that sin. God does not forgive those who have not repented and neither do we. We're to forgive the way He does and He even tells us how to do that, and it involves some work on our part. For one thing, He tells us to go to that person and tell them that they've sinned against you! He doesn't say to wait till they come to you and say they're sorry, He says, go now and rebuke him!
I really love how one of my books explains this. They put it in such a way that it's easy to remember and understand and is kind of cute . So I'm going to just quote that for you and let you chew on this today and we'll discuss it more tomorrow. here's the verses we're looking at now:
Luke 17:1–10 —Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. *It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. *So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. *If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” *The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” *He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. *“Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? *Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? *Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? *So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ ” *
A Warning
The words, “Be on your guard” or "So watch yourselves", (v. 3 ) may seem an unusual introduction to a discussion of forgiveness, yet that is how Jesus began. He must have had a reason. Think about it for a minute. Renowned preacher Charles Spurgeon, who had a very serious case of gout, was once approached by a man who claimed that his rheumatism was more painful than Spurgeon’s gout. Now, you simply didn’t say things like that to Spurgeon and get away with it! Spurgeon replied: “I’ll tell you the difference between rheumatism and gout: Put your finger into a vise and turn it until you can’t stand the pain; that’s rheumatism. Now, give it three more turns; that’s gout!”
Jesus warns you because in verse 3, there is both rheumatism and gout. In verses 3–10 there is some of the most difficult teaching in the New Testament. It is not difficult to understand, just difficult to put into practice. Jesus warns you that what He is about to say will be hard to swallow. So Christian, get ready for it: “Be on your guard.”
The Rheumatism
“If your brother sins, rebuke him; if he repents, forgive him.” Those are difficult words. The first is hard, extremely hard, and the second even more so. But, let’s look first at the rheumatism: “ If your brother sins, rebuke him.”
As verse 4 makes clear, the sin about which Jesus is speaking is a sin against you. The question arises immediately; How do you handle sins against you? Think about that a bit. How do you? Here you are, minding your own business, provoking no one to anger, just surveying the scene. All of a sudden, literally or figuratively (probably the latter) your brother (or sister) comes along, stomps all over your toes, and disappears over the hill. There you stand—through no fault of your own—with ten toes flattened out like ten silver dollar pancakes. They hurt! Now, what do you do next?
Well, some begin to whine and feel sorry for themselves. They look for the syrup and pour it all over their feet. They hold a pity party and invite others to join in. But that isn’t what Jesus said to do.
Others get furious. They storm about making their wrath known, and either go after the brother to tell him off or charge around their home kicking chairs or children instead. Neither is that which Jesus said to do.
A third group, more pious than the rest, go around the congregation displaying their flattened toes to as many as will view them, saying, “Now, you understand that I don’t mean to gossip in telling you what so-and-so did. I’m just warning you so that you can protect yourself from such injury in the future.” But Jesus didn’t tell you to do that either.
What did He say?
Jesus says, “Rebuke him.” That’s rheumatism!
What He tells you to do is go after the brother, take him (gently) by the collar, and say, “Brother, look at my toes!”
Notice, Jesus doesn’t allow you to go tell others about it, to sit in the corner and feel sorry for yourself, to take it out on others in your vicinity, or even to tell the elders. He says go to the one who tread on your toes, and talk to him about it.
Why You Should Go
“But why should I go?” you ask. “I didn’t start anything. I was an innocent bystander, just surveying the scene when he (or she) came along and flattened my toes. Shouldn’t he come to me?”
That is a reasonable question and one that many persons ask. The trouble is that most of them answer it the wrong way. Jesus is saying, in effect, that whenever your brother or sister wrongs you, that obligates you to take action. No matter how innocent you may have been, you are obligated to go to him.
“But isn’t he obligated to come to me? I don’t see why his sin against me obligates me to act; let him come to me.”
Yes, as a matter of fact, if he has sinned against you, he is obligated to come to you. But that is another passage, to which we are not currently referring (Matt. 5:23–24). The command in Luke is for you to go to him. Both commands are important; you should go and he should go. Ideally, you ought to meet each other on the way.
“Well, if he’s obligated to go, I don’t see why I must do so too.”
Let me try to explain. You haven’t seen your friend Jane for several months; she’s been away traveling. This morning you see her at church, seated on the opposite side of the building. You can’t wait till the service is over to talk to her. At the conclusion of the service, you rush around the pews and happily call to her, “Jane! Jane! It’s so good to see you!” But Jane sticks her nose into the air, turns on her heel, and sails out of the church as rapidly as possible, without so much as a “how do you do?”
You stand there hurt and perplexed. If you respond as many do, you’ll say, “Hurrruuummmph! If that’s the way she’s going to act, then so be it! I can wait till she comes down off her high horse and wants to talk. Then maybe I’ll be ready to do so and maybe I won’t!”
But, you see, Jesus won’t let you do that. He tells you to go after her and show her your toes. Suppose you do. Having recovered from the shock, you say to yourself, “Something’s wrong here. I’ve got to get to the bottom of it. I can’t have this happen to Jane and me.” So you hightail it out of the church after her. There she is over at her car. You go over and you say, “Jane! What’s wrong? I was so glad to see you home again that I rushed over to see you after church, but when I called to you, you stuck your nose in the air and left. What’s wrong?”
Perhaps Jane’s response will be something like this: “Oh no! Mary, I didn’t even hear or see you! you see, I caught a bad cold on my trip abroad, and the pastor preached forever today, and I left my tissues in the car, and I thought for sure I was going to drip all over my new dress and my Bible. That’s why I put my nose back and rushed out here to get those tissues. I was so preoccupied with all that I didn’t see or hear you.”
“Stupid illustration,”you say.
Yes, but I chose it because I have known case after case where friendships have been destroyed over misunderstandings just as stupid as that. Don’t you see? You are obligated to go because the brother or sister may not know that he (she) stepped on your toes. It may all be a misunderstanding.
So, the rule is:
The one with the sore toes goes because he’s the one who always knows.
Adams, J. E. (1989). From forgiven to forgiving
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 9:26:39 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 2
We need to understand that forgiveness is conditional. In other words there are conditions attached to forgiveness. It's not given without those conditions. Many people think we have to forgive others even if they don't repent and they use what Jesus said on the cross to prove it. (you know, where Jesus said, "Father forgive them, they know not what they do" Luke 23:34) The problem with this is that when Jesus said that, He wasn't forgiving anyone, He was praying! If He had forgiven everyone then everyone would be saved without having to accept Him as God and without having to believe that His death paid for their sins. The Father did in fact answer His prayer too. Think about what was happening right then. The Lord, the God of all creation was hanging on a cross, put there by men He Himself had created, after they had tortured Him! If anything would anger the Father, THAT would! Remember what happened? It sure sounds to me like the Father was angry!
Luke 23:44–45 —It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, *for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. *
Matthew 27:51 —At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. *
Matthew 27:54 —When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!” *
I honestly believe that the only reason God didn't wipe out mankind right then and there is because of our Lord's prayer! But no one was forgiven of their sin, especially the sin of crucifying the Lord unless or until they had repented. The Father answered that part of our Lord's prayer as well as both the thief and the centurion repented and I'm sure others did as well that we're not aware of Luke 23:42–43, 47; and of course others were saved after the Lord rose again and more still after the Holy Spirit was sent. Each one that was saved though had repented of their sins.
Any way you look at it though, Jesus did not forgive "everyone" or anyone when He prayed that, He was only asking the Father to forgive mankind for what they were doing to Him. Just like Stephen did when he was stoned. Jesus knew that those who had put Him on the cross did so because they were still under the control of sin...of Satan and that they didn't understand what they were doing. He wanted them (and us) to have another chance to be saved.
In the entire Bible, the only time someone is forgiven is when they have repented of their sin. That includes us too. Let's say we have a habit of swearing. We've done it for years and we really don't think it's all that bad because we don't use the really bad words, just a few of the milder ones. But we go to God and ask Him to forgive us because we know it's wrong and a sin. If we don't truly hate that sin and mean to stop, then we are not forgiven of it. We can ask all we want to, but until we truly repent, we're not forgiven. If we have truly repented, we will hate that sin and do our very best not to repeat it. If we do slip and repeat it anyway, it will cause us to feel just awful about it and we'll go to the Lord begging His mercy and help and be forgiven again. However, if we're just asking forgiveness because we know we're supposed to, then we might as well save our breath. Our relationship with the Lord won't be restored and we won't have peace with Him until we truly hate that sin. Look at that portion of the passage we're studying again:
Luke 17:3–4 —So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. *If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” *
It's when the person has repented that we're then able to forgive them. Luke 24:46–47, Acts 17:30 and many many other passages show us that repentance must come before forgiveness.
So let's say a Christian lies to you and you go to them and tell them that you know that they lied. Let's pretend they act really sorry about it and say they repent and ask you to forgive them. Keep in mind, if you say you will forgive them, then you're promising that you won't bring up this matter ever again to them, to yourself or to anyone else. Because the Lord says to forgive them though, you do so. You both feel better and you go back home. Well a few days later, you're talking to them on the phone when they again say something that you again know is a lie! So you again confront them right away and again they repent or seem to, and you again forgive them. Let's say this keeps happening, over and over again and you're really beginning to wonder if this person even knows what repentance is! You're getting really annoyed with them and having trouble not sinning yourself because of anger toward them. This is the kind of situation the apostles were talking about when they asked Jesus just how many times they were supposed to forgive someone for something.
Luke 17:4–5 —If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” *The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” *
See how they responded to the Lord when He said that? If put in modern terms, you could say they said, "Whew! That's asking a lot! No way i can do that without more faith!" What did Jesus think of their reply though? Did He tell them that was good and that more faith would be supplied if they needed it? No!
Luke 17:6 —He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. *
And after saying that, He then went straight into the story about the servant and how the servant should obey and not expect to be rewarded for just doing what he'd been ordered to! So with those words, Jesus took care of all our excuses for not forgiving someone who has repented, or who at least says they've repented!
He first tells us that no matter how little our faith is, we have enough to obey Him and forgive because forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. Only God knows for sure what's in someone's heart. He does tell us in other places that we can know people by their fruit, but fruit takes time to grow. It doesn't grow over night or even in a day or a week. So just because someone keeps repeating a sin, if they say they've repented and ask our forgiveness, we have to forgive them. We have no choice, because those are our orders. We're to leave the judging to Him and forgive them.
Then He tells us the story about the servant and that one takes care of our excuse of not feeling like forgiving them! Read that one now:
Luke 17:7–10 —“Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? *Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? *Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? *So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ ” *
Now, think of this servant. He's been working hard all day long and like anyone would, by supper time, he's hungry. But it's his job to prepare supper and serve his Master, not to eat it himself. So he cleans up, fixes supper and by then he's starving! He takes the meal out to his master, practically drooling over it himself, and has to stand their ready in case his master wants something, while his master eats it! When his master is finally done, he still doesn't get to eat... now he has to bring out the desert! When his master has finished that, he has to clear the table. Then and only then, can he finally reheat everything and get some supper for himself.
What is that servant feeling do you think? I'm quite sure he's feeling hungry and wanting to eat that food and wishing he could. His "feelings" are telling him to eat it and to eat it right now! Then why doesn't he? He doesn't eat it because he knows that he has to obey His master. There's no way he's going to think something like, "If I feel like it I'll obey my master, but if I don't feel like it, I'll just do what i want, which in this case means I'll go ahead and eat!" Jesus tells us that when the servant obeys in spite of how he "feels", he's not even doing anything special. He's just doing what he's supposed to do!
So now we know that we have to forgive when another Christian says they repent, regardless of how we feel, regardless of whether or not we see the "fruit" of repentance in their lives, and regardless of how much "faith" we have, because how ever much we have is enough.
Often we tend to think we're being hypocritical if we forgive someone that we don't feel like forgiving, so we really need to remember and understand that forgiveness is not a feeling. I want to quote from one of my books again because the way they explain this is really good and easy to remember.
“But, wait a minute! God doesn’t want me to be a hypocrite, does He? ”
No.
“Then, if I forgive someone when I don’t feel like doing so, won’t I be a hypocrite?”
No. Let me tell you why. The only reason you raise such an objection is because you have been influenced by the feeling-oriented times in which we live. You see, to think that way one must adopt an unbiblical, feeling-oriented view of hypocrisy. Your argument is that if you don’t feel forgiving, granting another forgiveness will be insincere and thus hypocritical. But actually, you have bought into a very foolish viewpoint. Let me explain.
Every morning I do something against all my feelings: I get up. Hardly ever do I want to get up. I’d like to throw the alarm clock through the window, cover my head with the covers, and forget the whole unpleasant business. But I don’t. I get up. Now, does that make me a hypocrite? Of course not. And, that isn’t the only thing I have to do against my feelings. All day long, in order to be responsible to God and others, I must do many things against my feelings. What does it mean when I pursue my responsibilities against my feelings? It simply means I am being responsible.
The biblical view of hypocrisy makes sense. If I had told you or led you to believe that I love to get out of bed in the morning when the truth is I don’t, then I would have been acting hypocritically. But I’ve told you the truth.
Adams, J. E. (1989). From forgiven to forgiving
Forgetting
One other thing I want to address is the idea that we're to "forgive and forget". We already talked about God "not remembering" our sins meaning that He promises not to bring them up to us, Himself or anyone else again, which we are also to do when we forgive. Forgiving and forgetting is another one of those sayings that have been repeated so often that people think it's biblical when it's not found in the bible anywhere! God never tells us to forget something. For one thing, He'd never command us to do something we're incapable of. (yes, I know He tells us to "be perfect" but the word that's translated "perfect" in that passage simply means to be "spiritually mature", so He is telling us there to grow in our faith which we are perfectly capable of doing) For another, He tells us to be aware and alert of dangers and temptations, and if we literally forgot things, we couldn't be aware of many of them. You can't learn a lesson and forget how you learned it. What He does tell us to do is "not remember" the sin in the same way He doesn't.
We're to make the same promise He does: not to think about it, not to remind ourselves of the sin, or remind the person or anyone else about it ever again. That means, taking our thoughts captive when necessary and using a Phil 4:8 list to direct our thoughts elsewhere if needed.
Philippians 4:8 —Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. *
(A Phil 4:8 list is a list we can make of things that we can think about that will agree with this verse. This list will be a list of things to think about whenever your mind starts wandering into areas it shouldn't. After writing down the verse, you list 20 different things to think about. These are NOT to be little, light things or things that you can only think about for a few seconds, but things that will keep your mind occupied for awhile. Write down things like, "What do I have to do to get ready to go on vacation"; "ideas of ways to talk about God to my children/grandchildren" or "how I want to redecorate or rearrange my living room"; or maybe, "people I might be able to help and include how" Or "what I'm going to do in my garden". I don't know what things you will want on your list, but they should all be things that agree with the above verse and that will keep your mind occupied for some time. Ask the Lord to help you think of things to put on it.
So the first step is to take your thoughts captive which we've discussed at length in other studies such as Taking Your Thoughts Captive. If after taking your thoughts captive and replacing them with God's Truth, your mind keeps wanting to bring up the forbidden subject, that's when you use your phil 4:8 list to distract it.)
What's really great about this is that as we obey God and take our thoughts captive about these things (or anything else for that matter) we DO eventually forget it! Not literally of course. If we were to dig around in our memories, we'd find it, but for all practical purposes, eventually the memory of that sin will fade away as it's covered up with the other things we think about instead. You know that if you want to get rid of a bad habit, you can't just stop doing something or thinking something or saying something. You have to replace it with something else. Once you replace it and the replacement becomes a habit, then you've "forgotten" the bad habit. The same is true with this. Eventually the memory fades away as it's been replaced. So truly the only way we can forget something someone has done to us is by forgiving them God's way!
Now, about "apologizing". Apologizing is the worlds substitute for forgiveness. Originally the word meant defending yourself against a charge of wrongdoing in court (in Greece). Obviously that's the exact opposite of confessing your sins. Somehow or another though the word began to be used for when people said they were 'sorry" they'd done something. Saying your "sorry" and actually repenting of sin are two very different things. Someone can simply be "sorry" they got caught, or sorry they're going to have to pay the consequences of their sin, in fact they may not even believe in God or sin. If they do, they can even just be "sorry" that they're going to be in trouble for not doing what they knew they were supposed to do. They don't hate the sin, they're just sorry about it. All they're doing when they say they're sorry is telling you how they feel. They're not even telling you why they feel that way, which as I just showed could be for many different reasons! They aren't promising anything or doing anything about the sin when they say they're sorry either - as with repentance which means that they hate the sin and won't do it again and then they ask forgiveness and a promise is given that the sin won't be brought up again. Again this will help you understand it much better:
Let's Consider an Apology. Picture the wrongdoer holding a basketball. He apologizes, saying, “I’m sorry.” The one offended shuffles his feet awkwardly. It is always awkward to respond to an apology, because you are not asked to do anything, and yet some sort of response is expected. The offended party says something inane like, “Well, that’s OK.” But it isn’t. The matter has not been put to rest. When you say the wrongdoing is OK you either lie or condone a wrong. At the end of the transaction the wrongdoer is still holding the ball.
Now, consider forgiveness. The wrongdoer comes with his basketball. He says, “I wronged you. Will you forgive me?” In so doing, he tosses the ball to the other person.
He is freed of his burden. Now, the burden for a response has shifted. The one wronged is asked to do what God requires him to do. He must either make the promise or risk offending God. There may be indecision on his part, but there is no awkwardness occasioned by unclarity. He knows what the Bible expects of him. When he says, “I forgive you,” he promises not to bring the matter up again. The two have both made commitments. The wrongdoer confessed to wrongdoing; he committed himself to that confession. The offended party committed himself to burying the matter. At the end of the transaction, the ball is tossed away and obligations concerning the matter are over and done with. Both are free to become reconciled. The matter has been set to rest.
Adams, J. E. (1989). From forgiven to forgiving
I think now you can see that apologizing is just the worlds substitute for forgiveness and it doesn't work very well. That does not mean that you can never say you're sorry to someone though. The world expects it and there's no real reason you can't give it to them, as long as YOU understand what's really happening. It's sad, but true that this is the best the world has to offer for unbelievers.
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 9:56:30 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 3
Keep in mind what we've learned so far about forgiveness:
1. We are commanded to forgive
2. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision; not a feeling
3. There are conditions attached to forgiveness,
- only those who are saved can be truly forgiven, because it is through the blood of Christ that we are forgiven
- only those who repent of their sin can be forgiven; without repentance, there is no forgiveness
4. We are to forgive other believers the way God forgives us, by "not remembering" their sin anymore. Meaning that we promise not to bring it up again to ourselves, them, or anyone else.
5. when a believer sins against us we are to go to them and rebuke them. The rule is: The one with the sore toes goes because he’s the one who always knows.
6. If they continue to sin against us, but also continue to repent, we are to continue to forgive them.
7. The goal of forgiveness is to restore the relationship between you and the person who sinned against you; as well as restoring each persons relationship with the Lord.
I would like to say something about that last one really quickly here. We are commanded to forgive for a reason. I'm sure you have noticed too that in the NT love and unity between believers is stressed a great deal. 1 John especially talks about this. Because we each are saved and have a personal relationship with the Lord, it's our relationship with Him and our love for Him that unites us as we obey His command to love each other. Today the idea of that "unity" between believers has been twisted to mean things that God never intended it to mean. I'll go over this more later, because our fellowship with each other is of utmost importance to Jesus and should be to us as well.
We will be going over much more about the "rebuking" part later. I'm sure you want to hear about "unbelievers" so I'm going to cover that first and then go back to our responsibilities concerning believers. We will also cover what to do when we are the ones who have sinned against someone else, as well as a number of other common things about forgiveness.
I want to talk about our feelings as they regard forgiving others for a moment, as we so often think we can't forgive someone if we don't feel it or don't really want to. Let's really look at that for a moment. Do we do that with other situations in our life? I remember when I was working and the alarm clock would go off in the morning, I did NOT want to get out of bed What I felt like doing was rolling over and going back to sleep! I don't ever recall laying there and trying to decide if I "could" get up since I didn't "feel like it". No, instead, every morning, in spite of how I felt, I'd get up, get dressed and off to work I went. Nor did I feel like a hypocrite for doing so and I seriously doubt if anyone would have said I was - if only because they probably felt the same way every morning.
The kind of job I had was taking care of disabled and or elderly adults. That meant I had to do some things that are just plain unpleasant to put it mildly. Most of us have changed a dirty diaper on a baby, but i had to change dirty diapers on adults, and had to clean them up after they had had an accident in the bathroom. I remember one time in particularly when that had happened and the person was so embarrassed and humiliated by it that they'd tried to clean it up themselves, but because of their disability and all, what they actually did was spread it all over everything including themselves. It was quite literally all over the floor, walls, toilet, sink and all over them. It was the worst mess I've ever seen, and I had to clean it and them all up and do so in such a way that they wouldn't be embarrassed even more. I most certainly did NOT "feel like" doing that! But, I did it anyway assuring the person there was nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated about.
Even now that I no longer work, there are many things I do each and every day that I don't feel like doing and things that I just plain hate doing even - but I do them anyway because they have to be done. I'm sure you do as well.
You can see then that we regularly and normally do things we don't feel like doing. When we think of those things, we usually simply see it as being responsible. In fact, when we sometimes hear about someone that does choose to go with their feelings and not do the thing that needs doing, we'll say that they're irresponsible.
It's no different with forgiving someone, regardless of what they've done or said. We may not feel like forgiving them, but we do it anyway. We do it because God commands it and we love Him, and when we do, we're simply doing our job and being responsible.
So what would be hypocritical? It would be hypocritical if I'd led other people to believe that I loved cleaning up that mess, or getting up in the morning and never thought about just going back to sleep. It would be hypocritical to tell someone that I loved peas and liver beans, if I didn't. In fact this is something I tried to teach my children. I explained that if they told me that something I'd made for supper was good and that they liked it, that I would most likely make it a lot more often because I'd be thinking that I was pleasing them. We all base our actions on how we think our loved ones feel about things. Now if they told me that they didn't like it, then while I would probably still make it in the future, I would genrally also offer a substitute for them, assuming they had actually tried it before. So it is hypocritical to tell anyone that we like something that we really don't like; not only that, but it generally comes back to bite us. The world teaches us that saying things like that is a little white lie and doesn't count as a real lie, but that's not at all scriptural. God hates ALL lies, even "little white lies" and tells us not to lie because He knows it will only hurt us and others in the long run. (besides the fact that it gives sin and evil a foothold in our lives.)
When you tell someone you forgive them, you are not saying, or at least shouldn't be saying that you "feel like forgiving them". You are simply saying, "I forgive you". By doing so, you are not lying or being hypocritical, instead you're doing the responsible thing by being obedient to the Lord.
We can forgive others even when we don't feel like it and we can make a promise when we don't feel like it. We can even keep a promise when we don't feel like it. I don't know how many times I made promises to my children to do things, like to take them swimming or to their baseball game or boy scouts or something like that, after work later in the week. Then, when that day came, I'd take them regardless of how I felt. In fact, I never felt like taking them to their baseball games because I hate baseball and I hate bugs and there's always tons of those tiny biting flies we call "no see ems" during that time of year. But I took them twice a week, every week during the season and I stayed and watched them play. It didn't matter how tired I was, or if I was sick or if I'd much rather be doing something....anything else lol, I took them to their game. Like I said, I'm sure you've all done similar things and still do. It's the responsible thing to do.
So never allow yourself to be fooled into thinking that you can't forgive someone because you don't feel like it; or that you haven't really forgiven them because you don't feel like you have. Our feelings about things like this, really don't matter.Therefore it should be obvious to us by now that after we've told someone we've forgiven them, and we still don't "feel like it", that also doesn't matter and doesn't change a thing. We have in fact forgiven them. A transaction has taken place on the spiritual realm, even though we can't see it, touch it or feel it. It has nothing to do with our feelings. (this is yet another reason the Lord tells us not to trust our feelings) As we keep our part of the promise, not to bring the sin up again to anyone - including ourselves - our feelings will change over time. Love and God's Word always win and God changes our hearts with His Word. So as long as we take our thoughts captive whenever we start to mull over that sin again, and replace those thoughts with the Truth: "that God loves them and us and that He's forgiven us much more then we've been required to forgive others for, and in the process has never taken away His love from us," then we will slowly but surely find that our feelings will eventually line up with God's Truth.
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 10:11:05 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 4
There's one thing I forgot to cover that we're expected to do before we forgive someone. Remember that when we forgive someone, it's not just a nice saying; something actually happens when we forgive. The burden of guilt is actually lifted from the persons shoulders so that we can be reconciled with them. So before we forgive them, we should have prayed about it asking the Lord to give us a forgiving heart and to give us His Words to speak to the person so that true reconciliation can occur. We should never depend on ourselves when we need to forgive someone, but always ask for God's help. We shouldn't wait till the last minute to talk to God about this either. This should be the very first thing we do when we realize that someone has sinned against us. I know I've posted this before, but will post it again here, as I copied a little prayer about this that to me was just perfect to use as a model for my own prayer:
O God, give me a heart of forgiveness, so that I may commune with You in the fullness of fellowship and joy and not experience the chastening that comes when You don’t forgive me because I won’t forgive a brother or sister in Christ. May I remember that for everyone who sins against me I have sinned multiple times against You, and You have always forgiven me. At no time has any of my sin caused me to forfeit my eternal life; therefore, no one else’s sin should cause them to forfeit my love and my mercy toward them. Amen.
We will be talking more about how God will punish us by treating us the same way we treat someone else that we should have forgiven, later.
What about unbelievers? What do we do about them? Remember, we're to forgive the way God forgives us and since forgiveness always starts with belief and faith in Jesus, unbelievers cannot truly be forgiven. What we need to do now is see what God says about how we are to treat unbelievers. I'm sure you can think of a number of things the Lord tells us about unbelievers, but I want to start with a general statement that defines our attitude toward them: Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. * Of course, the "everyone" in this command includes unbelievers. This verse points out that there may be times when living at peace with others isn't possible and that's most likely when it involves an unbeliever. I love this verse because it again shows us that God doesn't expect us to do the impossible and that what He does expect of us, He enables us to do. This verse lets us know that we need to be realistic about people and realize that we don't live in an ideal world where everyone is going to get along well together all the time. Often, because we're believers, we tend to automatically expect other people to act with the same morals and values we do. But when you're dealing with an unbeliever, you can't expect that!
Unbelievers are the exact opposite of what we are. We're God centered and growing more God centered, while they're self centered and growing more self centered. When we were saved, the Holy Spirit came to dwell within us and poured out His love in our hearts so that we could love Him and others with His true love and not the worlds false kind. Because we have His love in our hearts, we're able to love others, even unbelievers with His love and that too is something that the Lord increases in us as we continue to grow. But an unbeliever doesn't have God's love in their hearts because they weren't saved and they don't have the Holy Spirit within them. Without that, they cannot love God or other people in ways that are acceptable to God, nor can they understand our values, morals and way of life because they can't understand the Bible and don't really want to. Like God says, they can't please Him. They're incapable of it, just as we once were. That's why God tells us in this verse that He wants us to live at peace with others "if it's possible". He knows that with unbelievers involved in a relationship, that may be difficult at best and at times impossible.
Next God tells us that we are the only one that can be counted on to do right in a relationship with an unbeliever. That makes sense when we realize that the unbeliever is incapable of even understanding our morals and values much less living them.
I know that about now everyone is probably thinking, "but wait, I have a friend that's not saved and they're good people...they don't cheat, lie, steal, or murder and they are good parents to their children" etc. I'm sure you do, I know people like that too. There's a big difference in why we act the way we do and why they act the way they do, and that difference is foundational to everything they are and we are. I'm not going to get into this now though as it would take way too long and this isn't what we're studying right now. For the purpose of this study then I would ask you to simply accept what scripture says about unbelievers, and we can certainly look into this more when we're done with this one if you want too.
Let's look at how the world handles it when someone does something the world considers is wrong. Usually if someone does something wrong and they value the relationship with the other person, they'll admit what they did and apologize for it. Remember, I posted a little about apologizing already. Let me quote parts of it here in case you missed it:
Saying your "sorry" and actually repenting of sin are two very different things. Someone can simply be "sorry" they got caught, or sorry they're going to have to pay the consequences of their sin, in fact they may not even believe in God or sin. If they do, they can even just be "sorry" that they're going to be in trouble for not doing what they knew they were supposed to do. They don't hate the sin, they're just sorry about it. All they're doing when they say they're sorry is telling you how they feel. They're not even telling you why they feel that way, which as I just showed could be for many different reasons! They aren't promising anything or doing anything about the sin when they say they're sorry either - as with repentance which means that they hate the sin and won't do it again and then they ask forgiveness and a promise is given that the sin won't be brought up again.
Let's look at the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow over a wrongdoing (sin).
2 Corinthians 7:8–11 —Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— *yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. *Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. *See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. *
One kind of repentance comes from God and leads to life so there's no regret in having confessed and repented of the sin, but the other kind comes from the world and leads to death. There's two obvious examples of both kinds of repentance, Peter and Judas. Judas repented, was full of regret, the worldly way and killed himself, whereas Peter repented, also full of regret, weeping, and then assuring Jesus of His love accepted His forgiveness and went on determined not to sin that way again.
If we look closely at the two different ways of repenting, we see that one is self centered and one is God centered. The world's way if obviously the self centered one. Unbelievers repent, or "feel badly" that they did something wrong for selfish reasons. They might be sorry they got caught, or sorry they have to pay the consequences of the wrong, or sorry that someone else found out about it, or sorry about what it'll do to their reputation now, or how it might affect their personal life, business life, etc. or what they may have to give up or not get because this happened, or they may be sorry that it will affect their friendship. That sounds close to what we might feel, but it's really not. They're sorry because of the loss to themselves, not because of the hurt to the other person. For the unbeliever, it's all about them.
For us, it's all about God. We're sorry because we've hurt our Lord, or displeased Him in some way and desperately want to make it right.
As you can see from this, there is simply no way that the unbeliever's repentance is nothing like ours and won't lead to the same good results. So it's up to us to do our best to find a way to settle things so that we can continue to live in peace with them.
Before I get into exactly what to do with an unbeliever, let's take care of our own hearts. God says we're to forgive them, so there must be a way we can do so, even though they can't really repent. The way we do this is by forgiving them in our hearts. This is how we are told to deal with a great many sins against us so that we're not constantly running to other people to rebuke them. (I heard that sigh of relief! ) BUT, in the cases of serious sins against us, forgiving them in our hearts does not let us off the hook. We still have to rebuke them and forgive them to their face if they repent.
Let me show you what the Bible says about this.
1 Peter 4:8 —Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. *
This is actually a quote from Proverbs 17:9 —He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. * So the only sins we need to actually confront someone about are those that love can't keep covered up. Or in other words, when it is in the other persons best interest to be told about their sin because if we do not do so it would break our fellowship with them. Just as God doesn't pick on us for every single sin we commit every day, neither should we pick on other people for their sins. We see this in parenting and in marriages too.
All this means then is that when a person sins against us in a way that perhaps hurt our feelings but that we are not going to allow to break our fellowship with them over, we forgive them in our hearts, by going to God in prayer about it. We go to the Lord and tell Him that the person hurt us and we don't want to have any bitterness or resentment in our hearts toward them because of the sin, and ask Him to help us with that. Then we simply tell God that we because we love them, we forgive them for their sin. That's it. It's not forgiveness like we'd grant to someone who has committed a major sin against us, but then they don't need that kind of forgiveness as it's not a big deal. Let me think of an example...
Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Especially when I'm in a lot of pain. I tend to snap at my husband then and can get quite mean, using a mean tone of voice, although I don't mean to. I try hard not to let that happen, but sometimes when the pain's really bad and I've been trying to hold myself together for a while for the sake of my grandchildren, when they leave, out of relief that I can now "relax" and take my pills, I'll have let down my guard and will slip up.
Like one night when the kids and grandkids had been here visiting all afternoon and for supper, I was in really bad pain and trying hard not to show how bad it was. I could barely walk. They knew I was in pain...I couldn't hide that and wasn't trying to. I simply didn't want to cry in front of them as that would upset the little ones, and I was about to do so by the time they left. so I walked them to the door as did my husband and once they were outside and out of the range of my voice, I mentally "relaxed" my control. At that moment all I was thinking about was making it back into the living room so I could sit down take my pills and not move for at least an hour.
Bruce said something to me asking why I'd done something earlier. I don't remember what. But whatever it was, instead of calmly telling him why, I acted like he should be able to read my mind and know why, and snapped at him. While I don't remember anymore what I actually said, it was probably something along the lines of, "because I'm stupid, that's why!" implying that the only reason he brought it up was because he thought I'd done something wrong or that I shouldn't have done at all. Of course that wasn't true at all and I knew that and instantly repented; but before I could even say anything, (he was behind me) he came closer to me and gently put his arms around me and ignoring my snide remark, simply said, "your back is really bad now isn't it?", which brought on the tears which then flowed even heavier because of the pain.
That my friends is a beautiful picture of love covering a sin. His love for me, knew that the words I'd spoken weren't from the real me and that I didn't mean them and that I loved him too, so he simply forgave me in his heart and covered my sin with his love. And that's what we're to do with most of the sins that are committed against us. We simply love the person enough that the sin doesn't matter and we tell the Lord we've forgiven them or even ask Him to forgive them as well if we feel that's appropriate.
Proverbs 10:12 —Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. *
Ephesians 4:32 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *
Ephesians 5:1–2 —Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 10:22:13 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 5
Let's be clear that forgiveness is promising another that you will never bring up their offense again to use it against them, not to them, yourself, or anyone else and has nothing to do with your feelings.
We forgive most offenses by taking them to God and forgiving them in our hearts to Him. In other words, we tell the Lord about the offense, and that we want to forgive them and be reconciled to them. This is NOT a "formula" nor are these magic words. We need to be sure that we really DO want to forgive them. Notice that I did not say we needed to "feel like" forgiving them, only that we want to forgive them.
The reason we want to forgive the other person isn't because of them, it's because we want to be obedient to God and please Him. The Lord tells us that if we don't forgive others, He won't forgive us. That has nothing to do with our salvation! The Lord is talking about parental forgiveness because we are already the children of God; He's not talking about being judged as unbelievers. Let me give you some scriptures that speak about this
Matthew 6:14–15 —For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. *But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. *
Mark 11:25 —And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” *
James 2:13 —because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment! *
Matthew 7:1–5 —“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. *For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. *“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? *How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? *You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. *
Luke 11:4 —Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.’ ” *
Matthew 6:12 —Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. *
Before we're saved, we're God's enemy. When we repent of our sins and He saves us, He removes the guilt and the penalty of sin and establishes an eternal relationship with us as He comes to dwell within us. Nothing can separate us from Him ever again, because when we were saved, He forgave ALL our sins - past, present and future. The reason we confess known sins after salvation is to keep our conscience clear and to keep our relationship with Him close and intimate.
After we're saved, the forgiveness granted to us when we confess and repent of our sins is parental forgiveness because we are now His Children and not His enemies.
When a child is disobedient the parents don't stop loving them and the child doesn't stop being their child. Instead what happens is that there's a tension in the relationship until the child confesses the sin (agrees they did wrong) and repents of it (feels badly about doing it and promises not to do it again). Some of the intimacy in the relationship is gone. Parents don' feel like cuddling the child when the child is misbehaving and the child doesn't feel like being cuddled then either. There are no heart to heart talks either because both are thinking of the offense. But there is no fear in the child of suddenly not being the child of their parents anymore. The child may be afraid of being punished if/when his parents discover the offense, but no child wonders if they're going to have to pack their bags and leave! They know their parents do and will still love them even if they're mad at them.
When we confess our sins as believers then, God forgives us and the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord is restored, and there's no longer any tension in it. That's what the Lord's parental forgiveness does for us. It has nothing to do with our salvation.
Being our Father though, God wants us to love others, so He tells us that we are to love them the same way He loved us. That's not with a mushy feeling, it's with real sacrificial love. He loved us when we were still His enemies and hated Him. So He tells us that we must love others that way as well. To do that we must forgive them the same way He forgave us. What He's saying in the above verses is that if we fail to forgive others who have sinned against us the same way He originally forgave us when we were saved, then He won't be able to forgive us of the sins that are interfering with our relationship now. Instead our sins will continue to create a tension between us and the Lord and some of the intimacy will be lost. We will still be His child; He will still love us; but until we obey Him and forgive others, He won't be able to forgive us the same way.
To drive this point home, He says that He will judge us for those sins the same way we're judging those folks that sinned against us that we won't forgive. Remember, our sins are already forgiven - they were forgiven at the cross. So when he says He can't forgive us unless we forgive them, He's saying the effect they have on our relationship with Him will remain until we do forgive them. He also tells us that if we are going to judge others harshly, then He will treat us the same way and be harsh with us, and punish us for our sin of not forgiving them.
As you can see it's our attitude that counts. We must truly want to forgive the other person and be reconciled to them as that's how God forgives us. Of course it's perfectly ok to ask the Lord to help us and to soften our hearts toward the person if we're having trouble with that. In fact, I'd say that's a pretty good way to tell that you need to confront that person about their sin instead of just covering the sin with love and forgiving them in your heart.
Obviously there may be times when that's impossible - maybe the person has died or has moved and you don't know how to get in touch with them;
In cases like this, you will simply have to forgive them in your heart asking God's help.
or maybe the person simply refuses to talk to you; or it could be that their sin has put them in jail or prison and they're no longer part of your life because of that; or perhaps they refuse to admit their sin, or refuse to repent of it, or maybe they aren't even saved.
In those kind of cases, you cannot truly forgive them and make that promise to them anyway, so again, the best you can do here is to forgive them in your heart asking God's help if needed.
Unbelievers
Does everyone understand then that we handle most sins by covering them with love and forgiving the person in our hearts? That goes for both believers and unbelievers. The only difference is that with unbelievers when we do it that way, we do so realizing that the person can't really be forgiven because they're not saved, so it's always a good idea to add a pleas for their salvation to our prayer for them. We know they can't really be forgiven because apostles didn't go around announcing that Jesus had forgiven everyone so we should all rejoice. Instead they said it was available to everyone who would meet the conditions, which were repenting of their sins and trusting in Jesus as the one who shed His blood for the forgiveness of their sins. As you can see, the conditions were repentance and faith in Christ.
With unbelievers, since they don't know Jesus, they can't ever have real peace about the things they've done wrong. The best thing we can do when we feel a need to confront an unbeliever about their sin is to try and use the situation to tell them about Jesus and what He has to offer them. That's after we've forgiven them in our heart, which is telling God we're willing to forgive them and asking Him to rid our hearts and minds of any bitterness and resentment. Of course it's then up to us to be obedient to God and take any thoughts of bitterness or resentment captive and replace them with God's truth.
After that, we can then go to the person and talk to them about the incident to try and reconcile with them so we can live in peace with them. Doing that can give us the perfect opportunity to tell them about Jesus because we can tell them that we'd love to really forgive them but we can't, so we've forgiven them in our hearts and won't hold any grudges. But we'd really like them to be able to have peace about it and truly be forgiven so would like to tell them how God's made it possible for us to have all our sins forgiven... etc.
As we've talked about, doing things like this often brings unbelievers to faith in Christ later, just from seeing how we handle different situations in our lives, especially difficult situations. Even if we can't actually discuss salvation with them, just going to them and forgiving them in this way after they've confessed their wrong doing can plant seeds the the Lord can use to bring them to salvation later.
What if the unbeliever refuses to admit their fault? Then what do we do? For that, we can still do pretty much the same thing the Lord tells us to do if a believer refuses to admit their sin against us, at least up to a point. Let me show you the scriptures I'm talking about, although I'm sure you're familiar with them.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
If they refuse to admit that they've wronged us when we confront them about it, we can then take one or two other people along with us to try to confront them again about it. It's best if the people we take with us, witnessed the wrong doing but it's not necessary that they have. They're going along with us to act as witnesses that we're telling the truth and that they too believe that this person wrong us. If the unbeliever then admits their wrong, then we can accept their "apology" and be reconciled with them, having already forgiven them in our hearts. (and maybe somehow use the situation to tell them about God's salvation and His kind of forgiveness).
If they still refuse to admit their wrong, we have a couple of different options depending on just how serious the wrong committed against us was. Since we're confronting them about it, it's obviously a fairly big deal or we would have just forgiven them in our hearts and been done with it. The next option we have if they still refuse to admit their fault is to determine if there is anything further we could do to enable us to live at peace with them, and then do whatever it takes. But if we can't find anything else that would help, we may simply have to stay away from them. That's why God says "if it's possible" instead of commanding us to live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *
We can't expect unbelievers to have our morals and ethics. Remember though in a situation like this, God would still expect us to refrain from gossiping about the person or what had happened. This would also be where we could be obedient by praying for them as you could legitimately call them your enemy if they refuse to forgive you. Remember, God says:
Matthew 5:44–48 —But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, *that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. *If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? *And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? *Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. *
Romans 12:14 —Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. *
Romans 12:17–21 —Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. *If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. *Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. *On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” *Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. *
When the unbeliever refuses to forgive us and be reconciled, it would then be time to follow the Lord's directions in the above verses. But we do have a second option as well if the wrong committed against us is really important. It is at this point, where if they were a believer, we'd be taking it before the church, that we have permission to take them to court if necessary.
Matthew 18:15–17 —“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. *But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ *If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *
1 Cor 6 forbids us from taking other believers to court over a wrong committed against us, but does not forbid us from taking an unbeliever to court. If it gets to this point however, we need to be especially careful to remember what it is that God expects of us. Our main job is to be peacemakers so we should never take anyone to court if there's anyway we can avoid it without compromising our morals and God's honor. An example of when someone should be taken to court would be when the wrong committed against us is a sin that mocks God and all He stands for, such as child molestation, rape or abuse. Those are not the only things we can take to court, I'm just using those as examples of things that we should take to court. In circumstances such as those, there can't be reconciliation, but if the wrong doing is something else, such as perhaps they stole some money from you, or something like that, then reconciliation is possible and we need to remember that it's our job to be the peacemaker.
Taking an unbeliever to court over a wrong is really a two step process, or even 3 if you count telling them that you're going to as one step. If they refuse to forgive you and you then tell them you will have to take them to court for it then, that might be all it will take to get them to reconsider and admit their wrong and make things right. If not though then you will have to call a lawyer and have your lawyer contact them. That's the second step and again, sometimes that is all it takes to get them to admit their wrong and make things right. If so then it can stop there and never go to court. If they still refuse however, then you will have to proceed to the last step which is to actually go to court.
The important thing to remember is that it's not our job to prove that we're right and they're wrong. Our job is instead to be a peacemaker if at all possible and to try to find a way to live in peace with this person. We need to remember too that God is part of this relationship too because He dwells within us and that He will be at work in this as well. He knows we will sometimes make mistakes, and He will help us all He can and will guide us when we ask Him (so we need to remember to keep asking Him!) We can know that we are doing His Will as long as our main objective is to live in peace with everyone, even this person who won't admit their wrong, if at all possible. We are never, ever to take anyone to court in order to get revenge, or to insist on getting our rights. Remember, Jesus did not insist or even ask for a fair trial, instead He left it all in the Father's hands.
1 Peter 2:23 —When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. *
Micah 6:8 —He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. *
Zechariah 7:9–10 —“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. *Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’ *
Philippians 2:3–5 —Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. *Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. *Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: *
Next we'll discuss what to do if it's a believer who won't admit their sin against you, since we're already looking at that scripture anyway.
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 10:35:25 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 6
Believers
Let's look at what to do if it's a believer who's sinned against you and it's something big enough that you feel you can't just cover it with love and forgive them in your heart. The Lord gave us specific instructions on what to do when this happens. He even tells us what to do if the person refuses to repent. Let's look at the scriptures:
Matt. 18:15–20 “If your brother sins against you, go and convict him of his sin privately, with just the two of you present. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen to you, take with you one or two others so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen to the church, treat him like a Gentile and a tax collector. Let Me assure you that whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in the heavens. Where two or three meet together in My Name, I am there among them.”
Ask yourself this...if we were supposed to forgive people even if they didn't repent, then why would the Lord give us this process to follow, since this whole process is designed to bring the person to repentance? If it was acceptable for us to simply say, "I forgive you" and walk away, then this process wouldn't be needed, would it?
Did you notice too that each time the person doesn't repent, the Lord requires that more and more people become involved in the effort, and that the effort isn't just forgiveness but to bring about reconciliation? We can't just say "I forgive you" and walk away, if they don't repent, because if we do that, there would still be a problem between you that was unresolved and would cause friction and more problems as time went by. The Lord isn't just interested in forgiveness being given and received; He wants and even commands us to love each other, so what He's interested in here is reconciliation between you and the person who sinned against you. There's only one way reconciliation can happen and that's if the person who sinned against you truly repents.
Think about it. If someone has stomped on your toes over and over, you're not going to want to be around them and when you are around them you're going to be really careful not to let them anywhere near your toes again aren't you? You won't trust them. They may even try to do it again or may start another fight with you because you're avoiding them. Or maybe you'd start getting angry and want to stomp on their toes... You both start watching each other and every little thing the other person says and does is no longer seen through eyes of love, but is instead seen through eyes of suspicion and distrust. That's what happens when there is no repentance or when nothing is done about the matter. Friendships are destroyed. We can't allow that to happen with a brother or sister in Christ, because ours is more then friendship. Our relationship with them is as a family member that we will spend all eternity with. We can't allow that to happen too because our Lord commands us to love one another; and He commands us to go tell the brother/sister about their sin so this won't happen. He wants us reconciled - with Him and with each other!
I have a feeling that you noticed something else right away too, and that's that the last verses about binding and loosing and the one about people gathered together in His Name, are included in this. That's not a mistake. Those verses when read in context are concerning forgiveness and church discipline and take into account the OT law that two or three witnesses are needed to establish the truth of anything. Deuteronomy 19:15 —One witness is not enough to convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. *
Step 1: When a believer sins against you, you, the person sinned against (remember, the one with the sore toes goes) goes to them and confronts them lovingly about their sin. You speak the truth in love and with love. You have already spoken to the Lord about it and have asked Him to soften your heart and to remove any bitterness or anger from your heart and asked Him to give you the right words to speak to this person when you go to see them. Having dealt with this issue with the Lord already, you are no longer interested in being right, or getting revenge, or making a point. All you're interested in is helping this person so that they understand that what they did was a sin so they won't do it again, because you know that they love the Lord and they don't want to displease Him; and of course you also very much want to be reconciled with this person. Those are the only reasons you're going to see them.
I would assume that you called the person and told them that you needed to speak to them and asked if you could come over and they said "yes". You go over and tell them what's on your heart. If after listening to you, they repent of their sin, then you can forgive them, promising to never bring it up to them, yourself, or others again. Your relationship is restored and maybe you both hug and the visit ends with both of you praising the Lord and feeling joy at your reunion.
But what if they just don't see it? What if they still think they haven't sinned? Well, then you cannot forgive them. For one thing, as far as they're concerned, there's nothing to forgive since they don't think they've sinned. They may even say that you're the one sinning because your picking on them or something along those lines.
There's another reason you can't forgive them though. You can't forgive them because you cannot make the promise that you won't bring it up again. You can't make that promise because Jesus commands us to next go tell two or three other people about the matter and then bring them with you to see the person. So if you'd made such a promise, you'd have to break it immediately in order to obey the Lord. That's yet another reason we can know that we can't forgive someone that hasn't repented. Because the Lord is not going to tell us to make a promise that would prevent us from obeying His clear command to go tell others about it.
Step 2 if the person hasn't repented: You now need to find 2 or 3 other people that are aware of the sin and ask them to go with you to confront the person about it. I wish I could say that would be easy to do, but it may not be. Many churches today don't teach the truth anymore or at least not all of it. Therefore many Christians are unaware of how to forgive someone or what it means, as well as being unaware of taking others to speak to the person with us. They may think you're ganging up on the person and want no part of it due to their lack of understanding.
Don't lose heart if this is true. Instead, first use this as an opportunity to help them understand about forgiveness. Explain to them what's involved and why you want to go speak to the person; what your goals are. Once they realize it's not about revenge or being right, but that you truly love the person and want to help them, they may just change their mind and go with you, plus you will have helped them understand more of God's Word so that they too can grow in their faith. You may even wind up with some new friends or a bible study partner!
If it doesn't work that way though, you'll have to keep looking till you can find at least one other person to go with you. I'd strongly suggest that if you haven't already, that you pray and ask the Lord to guide you to the person(s) who He wants to have go with you, and then start calling people. If nothing else, perhaps your spouse can go with you.
You may be wondering how you're going to bring the subject up etc. It's sad, but today many of us don't know the other people at church. Oh sure, I knew many of their names or at least knew them by sight - I recognized them in other words. I even knew a little bit about some of them - like if they were married or had kids. But we weren't close. Yeah, we gave each other hugs every Sunday and I loved them as a sister or brother in Christ, but it wasn't an active love since I didn't really know them; hadn't been to their house and they'd never been to mine; never talked to them on the phone, etc. A good word to describe this kind of relationship with other church members is "superficial". (Concerned with only what is apparent or obvious; shallow)
That's not how the Lord intended for the Church to be. It's supposed to be a family, close and loving and very involved with each. The members of our local church should be our very best friends. They should know all about us and we should know all about them. In a family atmosphere like that, it wouldn't be a surprise to have someone call you up and ask your help with another member that had sinned. They'd be immediately concerned and willing to help anyway they could. That's how it was when the church was first started, but it's deteriorated a great deal since then. But, with the Lord's help, we're bound to find at least one other person to go with us. Remember, He's not going to tell us to do something that's impossible. Not even in our day. He will make sure that there's someone to go with you. Your job is to find them with His help.
So you take the 1-3 people with you and after calling the person and setting up a time to see them, you all go to see them together. Together you again lovingly confront them about their sin and try to help them see that it was a sin. If after hearing from you all, the person agrees and repents of their sin, you can forgive them, promising not to bring it up to anyone ever again. Everyone leaves rejoicing.
Step 3: If the person still refuses to admit their sin and repent, then you still cannot forgive them as you still cannot make that promise, as the Lord has told us to try one more time. I'm sure you're realizing by now, that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them.
Let's be real about this though. Each time the person refuses to repent, we're most likely to react by feeling angry and hurt. Notice that I said "react". whenever we "react" we're acting on our emotions and letting them control us instead of the other way around. The Lord tells us though that we're to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, which means of course that we need to take those thoughts about being angry and hurt captive and replace them with the Truth. At first though there may not even be a conscious thought - it might be just the feelings. In that case we need to dig the thought out that's behind the feelings with some self talk. We need to ask ourselves why we're feeling hurt and angry.
I can give you one big hint to get you started in the right direction of where the feelings are coming from: the thoughts causing them have to do with "self". Sometimes it's self pity or can deteriorate into self pity if it's dwelled on, but it's always self centered rather then other or God centered. We'll be discussing this more later, but I wanted to point out to you that when the person doesn't repent right away, it means that we're going to have to deal with our thoughts and emotions and keep them in line in order to obey the Lord. This will mean continuing to talk to the Lord about what's going on, how we feel about it etc and asking for His help to deal with it and His help in taking our thoughts and feelings captive. We'll need to ask Him to give us a clean heart and to create a right spirit within us about it, like David did.
We're also going to have to keep fresh in our minds that forgiveness is not about how we feel, it's a decision and a commitment. We can be upset and still forgive someone. At the same time however, we do want to be in the best frame of mind we can be in when we go see the person, so it's still important to take our thoughts captive and not let them run away from us. We want to "act" when we go see this person, not "react". After all, where would we be if the Lord hadn't forgiven us when we were still His enemies? What if He had "reacted" to us as anyone would toward an enemy, instead of purposely acting out His intention to forgive us?
Step 3 involves taking the matter up with the church, which actually involves more then one step on your part. Your first move would be to go to either the Pastor or elders of your church and tell them about the problem and ask their help. By this alone you can see that if the sin that's been committed is something minor, you're going to wind up very embarrassed, since it's something that should be covered by love. You'll have to explain to them what the problem is and what you've done to bring about reconciliation so far. At that point the elders would decide to go with you to tell the pastor about it as he will have to be the one handling the church discipline. The pastor would then need to call a meeting with the person that sinned against you. Generally, the elders and the 1-3 people that went with you before will also be present at the meeting along with anyone else the pastor feels should attend. Once again the person would be encouraged to repent of their sin. If they do, then you and the others would forgive them at that point, promising not to bring it up again. Here also, help would also be offered if appropriate, to help the person overcome the sin.
Actually this is true at each stage when the person does repent. We need to be ready to act on our desire to help the person and be reconciled. So if they ask for help, and it's something we can do, we need to be ready to give it. It might be being their accountability partner, or keeping them covered in prayer, or both. Or it might be helping them find a biblical counselor if the pastor himself doesn't do it. Or it could be something normal as helping them come up with a budget or whatever kind of help the person needs to prevent this particular sin from happening again.
However, if the person still refuses to repent, then it will be time for the entire church to become involved. At this point the pastor will have to tell the whole church what has happened and that the person has refused to repent and is therefore in accordance with the Lord's commands, being put out of the congregation until he does. The pastor will most likely then explain to the congregation what that means as far as how they are to relate to this person, which of course includes you.
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care and are anxious for them to return, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent.
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 10:46:21 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 7
More on Unbelievers
As far as taking unbelievers to court, that's something we always have to use discernment for as well as of course asking the Lord about it at the time. We'd have to know for sure that we weren't doing it to get revenge or to enforce our own "rights" or something like that. We're to do all things in love, including taking them to court if that's what needs doing. Again, I'm talking about God's kind of love, not the world's kind. God's kind of love says that we need to be told when we sin so that we will know not to do it again. His love says that if we do continue to do it, that we'll then have to pay the consequences of it, such as being taken to court. However, the Lord tells us that if we can avoid taking the unbeliever to court, that we should do so. It's only to be done when we absolutely have to do it and there's no other way around it.
The Lord has a number of reasons for telling us that. One main reason is that He wants us to remember that everything we say and do reflects on Him. We represent Him to the world regardless of whether they're aware of it or not. His main interest is saving the soul of that person, and making them part of our family. Therefore He wants us to act and speak in ways that will cause that person to want to be part of our family.
As you know, being a part of the family of God is very different then being a part of a family here on earth. Just as God's love is different from the world's kind of love, so how it's expressed in His family is different from the way the world defines and perceives families and the way they get along and the way they deal with problems.
One difference between being in God's family is that once you become a member of His family, you can never be thrown out or abandoned as happens here in some families. While we may tease each other about being God's "favorite", we also know that God has no favorites. He loves us all equally and His love for each and every one of us individually is so great that He died for us personally. You simply cannot love someone more then that. That too is different then what we see in the world. In the world when problems arise between family members, they react in the same patterns that Adam and Eve did with that first sin. Remember when we discussed that? God's family is very different - or should be. Instead of reacting by hiding, or blaming, or running away, or any of a number of other sinful reactions, bring problems and disagreements out into the Light in love and work them out in a way that's acceptable to everyone. How can we stay angry with a brother or sister that we love and are going to spend eternity with, especially when we know how sinful we are and what the Lord had to do to save us and make us part of His family? There's a number of other differences too but it would take too long to cover them all.
The problem is that especially during these last days, the body of Christ, our real family, isn't acting the way the Lord has told us to. Instead, many are still acting like the world because they don't know any better. Those who do know and are doing their best to love the way the Lord tells us to though, make a big impression on the unsaved just because it's so different from how the world lives.
One of the biggest differences between God's love and the world's idea of love is that God's kind of love isn't self seeking, instead it's self sacrificing. (1 Cor 13) That's how God wants us to love unbelievers too so that they will hopefully want to be part of our family and are one day saved. It's certainly not the easy way to love someone, as self sacrifice never is, especially when the world has taught us since birth to be the opposite.
The bottom line though is that we're to be loving the unbeliever with God's kind of love when we consider taking them to court for something they did that wronged us. There are legitimate reasons to do so as I've said. One legitimate reason is if an actual crime has been committed. In a case like that it would not be right to try and prevent the person from paying their debt to society. Even Paul said that even if he'd committed a crime that was worthy of death, he wouldn't try to get out of it. (Acts 25:11) He didn't say he'd just repent and ask forgiveness and be done with it. To understand why they have to pay the consequences for their crime, we have to remember that God is the one who instituted human government, and He's the one in control. Daniel 4:25b —Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone he wishes. * Of course, we know that He's in control of everything. Realizing this, we can then understand that whatever sentence the court hands down for the unbeliever to serve, is divine justice and not just human justice or vengeance. Yes, sometimes justice is perverted because people choose to sin, but that doesn't mean that God isn't in control because we know that ultimately God will make sure that justice is served. For the purposes of this, all we need to know is that if a crime has been committed, that is one time when the person would have to be taken to court. For that one we don't even need to use discernment since the Lord tells us that straight out.
It's outside of that reason that discernment would be needed. I would think too that it would help if we keep our minds focused on the fact that God wants us to do everything within our power to live in peace with this person and to be an example to them of how He loves us. Romans 12:18 —If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. * We have to also remember that we cannot expect unbelievers to act like us or to have the same morals and ethics etc. and because of that, we can't expect to always have good results. Instead we should simply do our best to please the Lord by making sure we've done all we can to live in peace with this person. That way, if there isn't peace between you when it's over, it will be only because of the unwillingness of the unbeliever and not because of something you've done or failed to do.
Continuation of Believers
Just as a reminder of where we left off....Someone has sinned against us and it's such a big sin that we feel that it must be brought to their attention so they can repent and we can forgive them. Did you notice why we're bringing it to their attention? It's not at all the way the world does things. If we were doing it the world's way, we'd be bringing it to their attention to make them feel badly about how they treated us. The world's way is all about us. God's way is all about them. Doing this God's way, our hearts will be broken not because they hurt us, but because they hurt their relationship with the Lord and we desperately want to see their relationship with Him restored. Of course, when their relationship with Him is restored, our relationship with them will also be restored.
When you are dealing with another believer, you already know certain important things about them. You know:
1. They love the Lord just like you do
2. They would never intentionally do anything to displease Him
3. That they will be together with you in Heaven for eternity
4. And you probably have some idea of where they are in their walk with Him..whether they're more or less mature in their faith then you are of maybe at about the same level.
The more mature someone is in their faith, the quicker they'll be to admit their sin and repent of it. (Unless of course there really wasn't a sin but instead a misunderstanding which they're able to explain to you) It's the sin nature that wants to defend ourselves and say we didn't sin, or make excuses for it or blame it on someone else, and the more mature we are, the better control we've gained over that because as we mature we realize more and more just how sinful we really are. Knowing this will help us know how to confront the other person about their sin. We'll know that if they're pretty mature in their faith that we can be more straightforward with them, whereas with someone who's still young in their faith, we'll have to be more tactful so they don't feel like we're attacking them.
As I've had to do this a number of times, and have made many mistakes in the process, hopefully I can help you guys and you can learn from my mistakes. At least that way they won't have been for nothing. i think maybe one of my biggest problems was forgetting that the person I was confronting couldn't read my mind. That may sound silly, but it's true. We tend to think that everyone understands what we're saying and why we're saying it, but a lot of times that simply isn't true. That can cause problems anytime, but when dealing with sin, it can cause even bigger problems because the person may feel that their faith is being attacked or their character is being attacked, even though that's the very last thing you'd ever think of doing. Those of us who live with pain have to be extra careful here as the pain affects our memories too and we may think we told someone things we didn't. This is especially true in this area because we've likely been thinking and praying about it for some time before we actually confront the person, so we need to be careful to always make ourselves very clear. Better to assume that the person doesn't know anything and you haven't said anything then to assume they do know.
In fact, I've made it a rule for myself that no matter what, each time I have to confront someone about their sin, that I do so assuming that they don't know anything at all and that I haven't said anything at all to them before. That way there's less likely a chance of them taking it the wrong way.
Another rule I've made for myself after many errors is that when I've decided that a sin is something that has to be confronted rather then simply covered with love, that I have to wait and pray about it again before taking any steps to confront the person. During that time I check my motives for making that decision and try to put myself in the other persons shoes...I remind myself that the reason for confronting someone is so their relationship with the Lord and with me can be restored and ask myself if there's any way my relationship with this person could be restored without me confronting them about this particular sin. If there is, then I know I don't need to confront them about it.
Keep in mind that while you are not obligated to forgive someone when they don't repent, and in fact, can't forgive them if they don't repent, you ARE obligated to try and bring them to repentance. That's what this whole thing is really about. Plus the whole time this is going on, you're also obligated to have a genuine desire to forgive them and be reconciled with them. OK, now let's say we've gotten to the point of having to "tell it to the Church".
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
Step 4 when the person still hasn't repented. Now you and the whole congregation must treat this person as though they are not a brother in Christ. No more invites to dinner, or going out to play golf or whatever. The point is to treat the person more like an acquaintance. You obviously know them, but you're to treat them as though they were someone you're not emotionally close to. That doesn't mean you can't talk to them at all. You can let them know you'll be praying for them and that you care, but that's about it. The whole point is to cause them to feel the separation from the rest of the family and to cause them to want to return, which can only happen if they repent. Now, it's not just you involved though. If it was, this probably wouldn't work since your relationship with them was already strained because of the sin between you so you weren't talking to them a lot anymore anyway. Now though the entire church is involved. The whole congregation is treating them as though they're just an acquaintance instead of a beloved member of the family.
That can be humiliating and painful if the church members are normally really close and loving with each other like they're supposed to be. In our day though, that's usually not the case, but still, for now we're looking at how it's supposed to be done and assuming that the church does act the way they're supposed to toward each other. What has to be remembered here is that this isn't a power play by the church. It's not done to make the person do what the pastor wants them to. It's done to heal the relationship between the sinner and God and between the sinner and every member of the church. It's to remind them and everyone else that what happens to one member affects all members of the Church.
1 Corinthians 12:26–27 —If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. *Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. *
We don't normally think about ourselves being part of the body of Christ. We're used to thinking of ourselves as individuals and that's what the world encourages us to do. God tells us though that we are each a part of the Body of Christ and that Jesus is the head of that body. Therefore, what one person does, affects everyone else in that body. This is a big deal.... it's much bigger then belonging to a private club. there is an actual connection between each and every believer, just as there's a connection between your hand and your arm. The problem is that we can't see the connection physically so to us it doesn't exist. But it's there, we know it is because God says so. We are one body in Christ. The reason we can't see the connection is because it's spiritual. Look at these two verses:
Romans 12:5 —so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. *
1 Corinthians 7:4 —The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. *
We're not used to thinking of the body of Christ this way or ourselves, but it's true. Just as the wife's body doesn't belong only to her, but to her husband too, so our body doesn't just belong to us, but to all who are saved! Amazing isn't it? That's one reason we're told to submit to one another and put each others needs before our own.
It helped me to think of it the way I do my real physical body. When I get an infection, I'm contagious and that infection can spread to other people if I'm not careful and don't take care of myself and get it treated properly. In fact, even just in my body, an infection can spread from one small area to my blood and my entire body can become infected. Sin is a lot like an infection in our body. When one of us sins against another believer, it can spread if not taken care of properly. That sin can spread in us, becoming bigger, nastier and harder to cure and it can spread to others, causing yet more sin. When we or someone else sins, we lose connection with Jesus, our relationship with Him is affected and so not as close as it should be. Because of that, we can't grow until we've taken care of the problem and repented of it. If we can't grow, that affects the other members negatively too.
Colossians 2:19 —He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. *
Binding and Loosing
This is the part of the whole procedure where those other verses come into play. The ones about binding and loosing and about when two or more agree that it'll be done. That doesn't mean that we make the rules and God follows them by the way. In fact, it's the opposite because neither you or the pastor or anyone involved in this would consider doing something contrary to God's Word.
Matthew 18:17–20 —If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. *“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. *“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. *For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” *
The two agreeing is referring to you and the witnesses you originally called to help you with this and of course the Pastor. (they're still involved as they went to the pastor with you, remember?). To bind or loose here is talking about forgiving or not forgiving sin. What the church decides will be determined by what the person does and what God's Word says is to be done because of their decision. Obviously the sin would be forgiven if the person repented, as that's what God tells us to do. If the person doesn't repent, God tells us to excommunicate them and treat them as though they were someone to be evangelized. So nowhere is this about making up new rules or anything like that. It's simply about applying God's Word in this situation. If the person still refuses to repent then the church says that the person is bound in sin - it agrees with God's Word that the person is bound in sin and put them out of the congregation so that they won't contaminate the rest of the members.
Again, this is not about deciding if we should or shouldn't forgive.... we always forgive when the person repents. Binding and loosing is just repeating what God has already said. When the sinner does repent, then He will be loosed from sin and can rejoin the congregation as a member in good standing for he will be forgiven. When that happens the Pastor will then announce that he has been loosed from sin and welcome him back, inviting the congregation to welcome him back as their brother.
Do you remember when Paul was telling the Corinthians what to do about a man that had sinned and wouldn't repent? Let me show you those verses. You might see them a bit differently now in light of what we've just learned.
1 Corinthians 5:4–5 —When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, *hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.
Do you see it? Paul illustrates for us here, what these verses we've been talking about mean. He told them that when they were assembled together, so there's obviously be more then two or three of them there, that they were to declare the man bound in sin and excommunicate him so that he wouldn't contaminate the rest of the congregation.
It's very unlikely that any of us will ever have to do something like this, but it could happen.
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Post by Cindy on Jul 11, 2015 10:55:39 GMT -5
Understanding Forgiveness and Forgiving 8
Forgiving someone isn't the last step. Usually when we forgive someone, we tend to think that's the end of it and we don't have anything else we need to do. But we need to remember God's purpose in forgiveness. His purpose is reconciliation. If we look at how He forgives us, we can see that forgiveness is actually closer to the first step, because once He forgives us, He brings us into a close, personal relationship with Him. That's what he wants to have happen when we forgive someone else. The purpose is so we can build an even stronger, deeper relationship with that person. It's to make our relationship better then ever.
Let's look at it this way...before we were saved, sin put a wall between us and God, right? When we repent and He forgives us, it removes that wall between us. But we're still separated - we're not "one" yet. But then the Lord then comes and dwells within us and we're no longer separated, but instead are living in a vital close relationship with Him.
Now obviously we can't go "dwell within" someone, and God doesn't expect that either, but He does want us to be reconciled and be one in Him. In this world though it's very easy for us to drift away from that friend after they've repented. Remember that we're not talking about them repenting from some little sin, but rather from something really serious, because we cover all the other kinds of sin with love.
The Lord shows us what needs to be done here:
2 Corinthians 2:7–8 —Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. *I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. *
There are 3 things we're told are needed here: forgive, comfort, and reaffirm our love for them. When we love someone, we want to help them don't we? We all know how difficult it can be to overcome some sins in our life, so what we're being told to do here is to help them overcome the sin in any way we can. If nothing else we can pray for them, but other things we might be able to do is to point them to a biblical counselor, or to the pastor or elders at church or another church member that might be able to help them with the problem. We can also "be there" for them to talk to when they're needing that. That would be comforting them and also reaffirming our love for them. In other words we're not to just forgive them and leave them to deal with their mess. We're to help them rise above it.
To reaffirm our love for them, we can also do things like make sure that we include them in invitations for dinner or activities, and just make the effort to call them regularly to see how they're doing and let them know that we care. When we do things like this, it will cause our relationship with them to grow stronger instead of drifting away from them.
One thing we need to remember during this time is that we are to love them with God's love and not the worlds way. God says that there are consequences to sin and while He does want us to forgive each other, we're not to try and prevent the person from having to deal with the consequences of their sin.
For example, let's say I was driving your car and speeding and got a ticket for it. You forgive me but I say now that I'm forgiven, you should pay for the ticket because otherwise you're holding the sin against me still. Boy is that twisting things! But then I've seen people say things very similar to this so I know it happens. Making me pay for the ticket I got is not holding my sin against me. When you forgave me you promised not to bring up the sin or hold it against me, but you didn't promise that you would remove the consequences of the sin.
The Bible shows us again and again that there are consequences for sin even when we're forgiven. Look at David, after he was forgiven for his sin, his infant son still died. Remember too that God says that for some sins, restitution is required. Like if someone steals something from you, it would be correct to ask them to return it or to pay whatever it would cost you to replace it. The tendency today is for people to "give in" and let others get away with just about anything, but that isn't the loving thing to do.
That's one reason why it's often so much easier to just drift apart from the person. When we realize though that's not God's will, then we have to put a good deal of effort into reconciling with the person. This leads us to two other things...what if you break your promise and for who's sake are you forgiving someone for.
Who should be the focus of our forgiveness?
I'm bringing this up because in today's world, everything is about us, or so we've been taught. Even with forgiveness we tend to look at it as a way to benefit ourselves. If we don't forgive, then God won't forgive us and won't hear our prayers, so we forgive others to get a benefit for ourselves from it. Yet that wasn't how Jesus forgave others, or why He forgave them. He wasn't looking for any gain for Himself out of it when He forgave me or you or the people who were in His life back then. Just as everything else that the Lord teaches us is the opposite of what the world teaches, so is this. He doesn't want us to forgive others so we gain out of it or even out of fear that He won't forgive us or that He will judge us more harshly. He has told us constantly in His Word that we're to deny ourselves, put others before ourselves; that we're to be God centered and others centered and not self centered. He constantly and consistently points away from ourselves and toward others from Genesis through Revelation. Even the two great commandments tell us that. We're to love God and others.
Once again we need to look at how God forgave us to see where He wants us to put our focus on when we forgive others. When He forgave us, we were His enemies. We hated Him and ridiculed Him and sinned constantly against Him. Yet He loved us so much that He forgave us anyway. He didn't wait till He felt like it. Nor did He do it so that the Father would listen to Him or forgive Him - He had nothing to be forgiven for anyway. When we forgive others, it's to be the same way.
We did not deserve to be forgiven, even when we repented of our sin and asked Him to come into our lives and be our Lord. That's how we're to forgive others and another reason why our feelings don't matter. We grant them forgiveness even though they don't deserve it, just like He forgave us. Think back to when we were first saved. We repented of our sins, but we didn't really deserve to be forgiven...we didn't immediately turn around and live holy lives. Well, at least I know I didn't. So why did the Lord forgive me? He did it because He loves me. After He forgave me, He was still patient with me too. He was gentle and kind and never threw my sins in my face or used them against me, and has never done that to this day. Instead He patiently instructs me and teaches me His ways and when I fall down, He picks me back up and starts all over again.
So what's our focus to be or what's the reason we should forgive others? We should be focusing on their needs, not our feelings or what we'll get out of it if we do, or what will happen to us if we don't. What then is the purpose of granting others forgiveness? It's to do good to another out of gratitude to God, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *
The word used for forgiving in the above verse stresses grace and means something given to someone freely as a favor. Everything in the above verse focuses on the one who is forgiven, not on the person doing the forgiving. Let's look at what it says in context too:
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
Did you notice the very next line? We're to imitate God in the way He forgives us, and lead a life of love just as He did. It's very easy to fall back into the worlds ways of thinking and think that we deserve to have Him forgive us for our sins, because after all, we're really not all that bad. We're actually pretty good, at least in comparison with other people we know...right? Wrong! God tells us that even our very best is nothing more then filthy rags compared to His perfection. Think about that for a moment...who's the most saintly, most godly person you've ever known or read about? How about the disciples or any of the people in the Bible? On their very best days, they were no better then filthy rags compared to our Lord's perfection. We are so utterly selfish, so totally depraved, that the only thing we have ever deserved from God is Hell. That's one thing I know for sure about myself now. Yet even as horrible as I really was and still am, the Lord forgave me of all my sins. All of them! Isn't that amazing???? I didn't deserve it when He hung on that cross for me. I didn't deserve it at any time during my life and I still don't deserve it today.
But the world has filled our heads with the total opposite for so long, and the church has failed to teach us for so long about how totally depraved we are, that this is hard for most people to deal with and understand. Another reason it's hard to deal with and understand is because we naturally don't want to. It goes against our sin nature to want to know just how sinful we are. That's also why so many people who think they're saved, really aren't, because they never knew or understood why they needed a savior to begin with. They think they're just fine the way they are. Once we honestly and truly realize this though, that's when we truly begin to love the Lord for forgiving us. This is what Jesus was talking about in the story He told Simon:
Luke 7:40–43 —Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. *“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. *Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” *Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. *
Luke 7:44–47 —Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. *You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. *You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. *Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” *
When Jesus says "he who has been forgiven little loves little", He's not saying that some people have fewer sins to forgive so they don't love Him as much. He's talking about how we perceive our sins. When we don't realize just how much of a sinner we are, then we feel like we've been forgiven only a little, since we're such a great person. It's not until we realize just how much of a sinner we really are that we will have that deep love and thankfulness for Him. The more we realize just how sinful we are, the easier it is to forgive another person no matter what they've done. It also helps us to realize that the person's sin against us, just shows how badly they need our Lord- just as badly as we did.
We need to always remember that the purpose of granting others forgiveness is to do good to another out of gratitude to God for forgiving us, honoring Him by imitating His gracious forgiveness in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32–5:2 —Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children *and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. *
The Last part of this study is about Forgiving Ourself but I've posted that one separately in this forum.
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