Post by Cindy on May 7, 2016 11:17:48 GMT -5
Having met and gotten to know so many wonderful sisters in Christ over the last 13 years on Fresh-Hope, I came to realize that Mother's day is not always a happy time. The reasons for this are many and I suspect that there are even more unhappy mothers out there then we know of because many never say anything about their grief.
Some mothers grieve on Mother's day because they've have lost a child to death, and that is one of the most painful things any mother can experience. Their grief is intense and they always wonder if there wasn't something they could have done to prevent it. Their only hope is in Jesus - His comfort, and knowing that one day they will be with that child for eternity. But for today, that can seem a very long time away.
Other mother's grieve because although their children are alive, they pretty much ignore her, as though she doesn't really exist to them anymore... unless of course they need or want something from her that they can't get anywhere else; or their children may invite her for their children's birthday parties out of a sense of "duty". These mothers often bend over backward to do or give anything at all to their children when they're asked, because some recognition is better than nothing at all. So they'll do their laundry, or babysit, or whatever else their children ask of them. They'll buy the birthday gifts, and wait and hope the gift is liked, hoping that maybe one of the grandchildren can soften their mother's heart, and bring the family back together. Sadly, it only brings more pain because nothing changes, the children never return her love.
Other mother's grieve because their children have turned their backs on her and pronounced her a "bad mother", saying she should be ashamed. This feels like a knife has been thrust in her heart, and no matter how hard she tries, she can't remove it. The pain endures year after year as she tries to discover what she did that was so wrong. As she searches her heart, she does find things she did wrong, and many things she'd do differently now. But at the time she did them, she didn't know any better way to deal with what was going on. Looking back though, she also sees many happy years spent raising her children and enjoying them. She sees their happy faces, hears their laughter, and remembers their hugs, and the many times they said, "I love you Mama." And she wonders what in the world happened? These adult children also ignore their mother like the ones I spoke of before.
I've talked to so many mothers who have been accused of this, or who have children who simply ignore them. I ask them if they loved their children and invariably the answer is a resounding "Yes!" Then they cry as though their heart will break, asking me what they did wrong and telling me of some of the things they think they did wrong. I ask them if they ever purposely tried to harm their children, and they're always horrified to think that any mother would do such a thing. They certainly never did! Many did not get saved until their children were either teens or even already adults and so they feel guilty that they didn't teach their children about the Lord. That's generally the biggest thing they find that they think they did wrong. I tell them though that they are not to be blamed for something they didn't know, and that all any parent can do is their best with what knowledge they have at the time. I remind them that the Lord knew exactly what their beliefs were and all about them when He gave them their children to raise. I remind them too that God does not make mistakes. He intended that their children would be raised by them and had very good reasons for doing so, regardless of what the children themselves think about it now.
My main purpose in talking to these mothers has always been to try and stop the deadly poison from their children, that's been eating away at them for so long, from doing anymore damage. I can understand how they feel as I've been through the same thing. I know about the countless nights they cried themselves to sleep; I know of their constant prayers for reconciliation, for forgiveness, and for their children. And I know the pain and frustration when yet another year goes by and nothing has really changed.
One thing that surprises me about this is that some of the adult children acting this way are Christians, and others are exactly the opposite. They left their mother saying they were tired of hearing about God all the time and didn't want anything to do with God or them. The ones who are Christians though, or who say they are, are an enigma to me. As mothers, we rejoice when our children find Jesus, and when we see them walking in Christ. Yet how can someone be a Christian and be growing in their faith for 20 years, and still not show love or honor to their mother? That's the enigma to me. Jesus is all about love, forgiveness and reconciliation. He even tells us that if we don't forgive others, then He won't forgive us. So if these children are really saved, they cannot have a close relationship with Jesus when they refuse to love and honor their mothers. Realizing that only causes the mothers more pain though, for now they fear for their child's spiritual well-being too, and of course, blame themselves for that as well, which brings on more tearful prayers for their children.
When talking to others, I began to realize that this was something relatively new. Oh sure there's always been a few adult children that have spurned their mother's love, but they were a big minority, whereas now it seems to be happening all around us. I can't begin to count the parents I know who spend the holidays alone, while the children they raised are off somewhere else. It was around this time that my eyes were opened to what was really going on for all of us. We have been under attack! This is Satan's time to wreck havoc and he's taking full advantage of it, for he knows that it won't last forever. One of the main things he's always attacked has been families, so it shouldn't surprise us that he's doing so now.
Just consider what Satan is known for: he comes to steal, kill, and destroy and isn't that exactly what he's done to our families? (John 10:10; John 8:44; Revelation 12:10) He's stolen our children from us and destroyed our relationship with them. We also know he's a liar, and I have seen many, many lies that both the children and the mothers have accepted as fact. We need to take those thoughts captive and throw them out, replacing them with the Truth that God loves us and our children, and that we love our children and they love us too! That is the real truth that Satan is doing his best to destroy. We need to remember that Satan is a slanderer, he loves to slander people and get it spread around. He's also our accuser and he will accuse us to anyone and everyone he can! This is what he's doing to our children and then to us. They've listened to his words and repeated them, and after awhile accepted those words as their own, not realizing that Satan was behind them. Then we hear their words, and Satan accuses them to us, and we in turn repeat that, and the vicious cycle continues on.
Satan is trying to destroy our children and us. He wants to get us all to look like the people Paul wrote about in 2 Timothy:
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.” (2 Timothy 3:1–5) Sometimes it seems like it's working too.
Sadly, for many of us, this has gone on for many years already and we're tired. The Lord knows that though, and tells us that it's not by our strength that this battle will be won, but by His love - His love for us, and His love for our children. He has seen our tears, and their tears too. He's longed to comfort us as only He can. He wants to heal the wounds that have been made in our families, and restore us to each other in love, joy, and peace. The only way He can do that is if all the people involved agree to forgive. Sounds impossible doesn't it? Praise God then because nothing is impossible for Him! Let's all live the way He tells us to, pray for our children that God will remove the blinders that Satan has put over their eyes, and soften their hearts, and reconcile us all to one another. We can count on Him answering that prayer, for it's His will that we live that way. In the meantime, we can pray and work with the Lord to clean up our own hearts, and learn to love and forgive even more deeply then before. I often reflect on the scriptures about love to see if I'm loving them the way God wants me to. I'll share them with you underlining the parts that I have the most problems with:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–8) Not easy to live up to by any means, especially when we're hurting, but with God's help, we can. The other thing I've learned to be very wary about is allowing any bitterness to take root in my heart. We're warned in Acts 8:23 and Hebrews 12:15 that bitterness can make us captive to sin, cause us to bring trouble and defilement to many others as well as ourselves. We certainly don't want that! Sadly many of our children do have that root of bitterness, but knowing that gives us something concrete we can pray for them about.
As I said, many of us who've been going through this for many years are very tired and want to quit. We're often told by the world that we should quit, that we're being doormats otherwise. But God doesn't see things that way. He never gave up on us, and He still doesn't when we sin. Instead He just keeps on loving us and forgiving us, with His arms wide open. There are however times when the Lord does say, "enough is enough". There are the times that Paul tells us to warn a divisive person twice and if they continue to do it, to have nothing more to do with them.(Titus 3:10) And the times we're told not to associate with those who are teaching a false gospel, or a believer that's living in unrepented sin, and not to be yoked with unbelievers, or when like when Paul said they should hand the man over to Satan so his sinful nature could be destroyed, (1 Cor 5:5) and other things like that. We know God gives us many chances to be saved, and then to grow, but we're also told that there is an end to it, a time when God says, "no more". This is something we have to use discernment to determine, like just about everything else. We need to ask the Lord how we're to know when it's "enough". How do we tell since we're supposed to put others needs ahead of our own? We need to ask His help to examine our hearts and determine if the reason we want to quit is because our focus is on self, or if it's really God who has drawn the line and we're feeling that God wouldn't be honored or glorified by us continuing with what we're doing. All we can do to find the answer, is go to the Lord with our questions, and search His Word during our daily time with Him for His answers.
The one thing I can share with you though, that no matter how tired we are, if God wants us to persevere (as He generally does) then He will give us the strength to do so. Here are some other scriptures that have helped me deal with this situation.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawlingand slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31–32)
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:” (Philippians 2:3–5)
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
““Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” (Isaiah 43:18)
“He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)
Some mothers grieve on Mother's day because they've have lost a child to death, and that is one of the most painful things any mother can experience. Their grief is intense and they always wonder if there wasn't something they could have done to prevent it. Their only hope is in Jesus - His comfort, and knowing that one day they will be with that child for eternity. But for today, that can seem a very long time away.
Other mother's grieve because although their children are alive, they pretty much ignore her, as though she doesn't really exist to them anymore... unless of course they need or want something from her that they can't get anywhere else; or their children may invite her for their children's birthday parties out of a sense of "duty". These mothers often bend over backward to do or give anything at all to their children when they're asked, because some recognition is better than nothing at all. So they'll do their laundry, or babysit, or whatever else their children ask of them. They'll buy the birthday gifts, and wait and hope the gift is liked, hoping that maybe one of the grandchildren can soften their mother's heart, and bring the family back together. Sadly, it only brings more pain because nothing changes, the children never return her love.
Other mother's grieve because their children have turned their backs on her and pronounced her a "bad mother", saying she should be ashamed. This feels like a knife has been thrust in her heart, and no matter how hard she tries, she can't remove it. The pain endures year after year as she tries to discover what she did that was so wrong. As she searches her heart, she does find things she did wrong, and many things she'd do differently now. But at the time she did them, she didn't know any better way to deal with what was going on. Looking back though, she also sees many happy years spent raising her children and enjoying them. She sees their happy faces, hears their laughter, and remembers their hugs, and the many times they said, "I love you Mama." And she wonders what in the world happened? These adult children also ignore their mother like the ones I spoke of before.
I've talked to so many mothers who have been accused of this, or who have children who simply ignore them. I ask them if they loved their children and invariably the answer is a resounding "Yes!" Then they cry as though their heart will break, asking me what they did wrong and telling me of some of the things they think they did wrong. I ask them if they ever purposely tried to harm their children, and they're always horrified to think that any mother would do such a thing. They certainly never did! Many did not get saved until their children were either teens or even already adults and so they feel guilty that they didn't teach their children about the Lord. That's generally the biggest thing they find that they think they did wrong. I tell them though that they are not to be blamed for something they didn't know, and that all any parent can do is their best with what knowledge they have at the time. I remind them that the Lord knew exactly what their beliefs were and all about them when He gave them their children to raise. I remind them too that God does not make mistakes. He intended that their children would be raised by them and had very good reasons for doing so, regardless of what the children themselves think about it now.
My main purpose in talking to these mothers has always been to try and stop the deadly poison from their children, that's been eating away at them for so long, from doing anymore damage. I can understand how they feel as I've been through the same thing. I know about the countless nights they cried themselves to sleep; I know of their constant prayers for reconciliation, for forgiveness, and for their children. And I know the pain and frustration when yet another year goes by and nothing has really changed.
One thing that surprises me about this is that some of the adult children acting this way are Christians, and others are exactly the opposite. They left their mother saying they were tired of hearing about God all the time and didn't want anything to do with God or them. The ones who are Christians though, or who say they are, are an enigma to me. As mothers, we rejoice when our children find Jesus, and when we see them walking in Christ. Yet how can someone be a Christian and be growing in their faith for 20 years, and still not show love or honor to their mother? That's the enigma to me. Jesus is all about love, forgiveness and reconciliation. He even tells us that if we don't forgive others, then He won't forgive us. So if these children are really saved, they cannot have a close relationship with Jesus when they refuse to love and honor their mothers. Realizing that only causes the mothers more pain though, for now they fear for their child's spiritual well-being too, and of course, blame themselves for that as well, which brings on more tearful prayers for their children.
When talking to others, I began to realize that this was something relatively new. Oh sure there's always been a few adult children that have spurned their mother's love, but they were a big minority, whereas now it seems to be happening all around us. I can't begin to count the parents I know who spend the holidays alone, while the children they raised are off somewhere else. It was around this time that my eyes were opened to what was really going on for all of us. We have been under attack! This is Satan's time to wreck havoc and he's taking full advantage of it, for he knows that it won't last forever. One of the main things he's always attacked has been families, so it shouldn't surprise us that he's doing so now.
Just consider what Satan is known for: he comes to steal, kill, and destroy and isn't that exactly what he's done to our families? (John 10:10; John 8:44; Revelation 12:10) He's stolen our children from us and destroyed our relationship with them. We also know he's a liar, and I have seen many, many lies that both the children and the mothers have accepted as fact. We need to take those thoughts captive and throw them out, replacing them with the Truth that God loves us and our children, and that we love our children and they love us too! That is the real truth that Satan is doing his best to destroy. We need to remember that Satan is a slanderer, he loves to slander people and get it spread around. He's also our accuser and he will accuse us to anyone and everyone he can! This is what he's doing to our children and then to us. They've listened to his words and repeated them, and after awhile accepted those words as their own, not realizing that Satan was behind them. Then we hear their words, and Satan accuses them to us, and we in turn repeat that, and the vicious cycle continues on.
Satan is trying to destroy our children and us. He wants to get us all to look like the people Paul wrote about in 2 Timothy:
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.” (2 Timothy 3:1–5) Sometimes it seems like it's working too.
Sadly, for many of us, this has gone on for many years already and we're tired. The Lord knows that though, and tells us that it's not by our strength that this battle will be won, but by His love - His love for us, and His love for our children. He has seen our tears, and their tears too. He's longed to comfort us as only He can. He wants to heal the wounds that have been made in our families, and restore us to each other in love, joy, and peace. The only way He can do that is if all the people involved agree to forgive. Sounds impossible doesn't it? Praise God then because nothing is impossible for Him! Let's all live the way He tells us to, pray for our children that God will remove the blinders that Satan has put over their eyes, and soften their hearts, and reconcile us all to one another. We can count on Him answering that prayer, for it's His will that we live that way. In the meantime, we can pray and work with the Lord to clean up our own hearts, and learn to love and forgive even more deeply then before. I often reflect on the scriptures about love to see if I'm loving them the way God wants me to. I'll share them with you underlining the parts that I have the most problems with:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–8) Not easy to live up to by any means, especially when we're hurting, but with God's help, we can. The other thing I've learned to be very wary about is allowing any bitterness to take root in my heart. We're warned in Acts 8:23 and Hebrews 12:15 that bitterness can make us captive to sin, cause us to bring trouble and defilement to many others as well as ourselves. We certainly don't want that! Sadly many of our children do have that root of bitterness, but knowing that gives us something concrete we can pray for them about.
As I said, many of us who've been going through this for many years are very tired and want to quit. We're often told by the world that we should quit, that we're being doormats otherwise. But God doesn't see things that way. He never gave up on us, and He still doesn't when we sin. Instead He just keeps on loving us and forgiving us, with His arms wide open. There are however times when the Lord does say, "enough is enough". There are the times that Paul tells us to warn a divisive person twice and if they continue to do it, to have nothing more to do with them.(Titus 3:10) And the times we're told not to associate with those who are teaching a false gospel, or a believer that's living in unrepented sin, and not to be yoked with unbelievers, or when like when Paul said they should hand the man over to Satan so his sinful nature could be destroyed, (1 Cor 5:5) and other things like that. We know God gives us many chances to be saved, and then to grow, but we're also told that there is an end to it, a time when God says, "no more". This is something we have to use discernment to determine, like just about everything else. We need to ask the Lord how we're to know when it's "enough". How do we tell since we're supposed to put others needs ahead of our own? We need to ask His help to examine our hearts and determine if the reason we want to quit is because our focus is on self, or if it's really God who has drawn the line and we're feeling that God wouldn't be honored or glorified by us continuing with what we're doing. All we can do to find the answer, is go to the Lord with our questions, and search His Word during our daily time with Him for His answers.
The one thing I can share with you though, that no matter how tired we are, if God wants us to persevere (as He generally does) then He will give us the strength to do so. Here are some other scriptures that have helped me deal with this situation.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:” (Philippians 2:3–5)
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
““Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” (Isaiah 43:18)
“He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)
!!
