fearnot
Living With Pain
Posts: 8,383 
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Post by fearnot on Nov 7, 2024 22:24:58 GMT -5
I will start with my first memory ever,
which shows God was with me.
I will mention it, in case, someone might read this,
and has a foster child,
or is thinking of taking a child,
in as a foster child...
And I would counsel the would be foster parent,
to tell the child
( no matter how long or short the child stays with you)
That they already have a 'forever' Father in Heaven,
who loves them and wants them...
even though they cannot see them or be with them in person right now....
and also tell the child, as much of the gospel,
as the foster parent can tell that child.
I will tell you,
of my very first memory
ever...when I was around 4.
I do not know how many foster homes,
I had already been in previously...
but it was several homes, for sure.
However, one potential misunderstanding,
a foster child can easily begin to think,
is:
that there is something terribly wrong with them,
because they do not have a mom, dad, siblings,
aunts, uncles, cousins etc.
They are all alone,
and as they go from one home to another,
and another,
they can think it is because no one wants them.
This might be true in some cases,
but it could also be true that
some of the families did want to adopt them
but as in my case,
my biological mom would not allow it
( even IF one or more of them might have wished to adopt me).
At the age of 4 it was the first time
I remember seeing my biological mom.
It was Christmas eve
and she was at the foster home,
I was living in at that time,
she was there because another first child was going to go to her
'forever' earthly family that night.
So she was there to try to help me deal with
and ease
the pain of NOT being 'chosen'....
However, it started to snow a LOT
so she had to leave to make it back to where she was staying
while the roads were still drivable.
I saw the other child come down the stairs,
in what I thought was a 'princess' dress,
she was a blond beautiful child....
There at the door,
were her 'parents' to be....
loaded down with presents,
telling her how much they loved her,
and wanted her
to be their child etc.
I slipped out a back door
I only had on a flimsy light weight dress
But no one saw me go out.
I laid down in the snow
( My first suicide attempt
at age 4)
I was having a big pity party
no one wanted me
I was NOT chosen!!!
( Oh and I did not get one Christmas present etc.)
However, it was very very very cold that snowy night...
and I soon wanted someone to come get me
But I suspect there was a lot to be discussed
in handing over,
of the 'beautiful wanted' child.
I do not know how long I was outside, in the snow
but I was freezing, and beginning to also become sleepy.
The foster woman did come eventually and she found me
and she was livid!
She was very very angry!
The next day, she gave me a paper bag
with a few cloth items
and out the door I went...
she stayed inside and watched me walk to the sidewalk
where a CPS person picked me up.....
I don't remember what happened
until
I was almost 6
And in that foster home,
which I will write about next
because it was in that foster home,
I really do think Jesus was with me,
in a true life saving way!
But looking back on those early childhood years
if even one foster parent,
had told me about God as my forever and ever, father,
and that Jesus loved me and was my Savior..
I think it could have helped my pitying myself so much
and that I might not have acted out in such a way,
as I did at 4 years old?
It is hard to say,
but even planting the seeds of God My Father
and Jesus my Lord and Savior
could not have hurt
and might have been a real help.
I only write about this memory
because, I do think the Lord
led that foster mom to find me
and to encourage anyone with a foster child
if you don't do anything else for that child
tell them about God as much as possible...
That they are NOT really all alone
and that they are loved and wanted!
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fearnot
Living With Pain
Posts: 8,383
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Post by fearnot on Nov 12, 2024 15:58:57 GMT -5
So this is the 2nd post of my earliest childhood.
It is going to most likely be,
the longest post of all of them!!!
But this post is the first one,
that I think,
was a 'small' (?)
miracle
( or maybe it was a bigger miracle than a 'small' one)?
In any case, it will take
quite a bit longer,
to set up and explain.
But first:
I would like to point out...
That God defends the weak, the fatherless (AKA 'the orphan')
which is 'basically' what all foster children are: orphans.
And secondly, if anyone might read this,
and is thinking of fostering a child
you need to know,
that they ( the foster child)
may have suffered all manner of abuse
in previous foster homes.
( which is why I once again,
plead for them....
That even if,
you are only allowed to have them for a short time....
Please make it the absolute top priority,
to teach them about:
God the Father, Jesus the Savior, the Holy Spirit,
and read them as much of the Bible you can fit in!)
You may be the best blessing they have ever had so far
and may have in a long time to come.
Bless you for even considering taking them in!!!
So let me start this post by saying:
I do not love spiders!!!
I will say it again:
I DO NOT LOVE SPIDERS!!!!!!!!
In fact if one were to jump on me,
while I am working outside in the garden this very day...
It would be like the joke,
about someone hearing a
gunshot,
and the person they are with says to them:
Yup! That is because our neighbor....
just found a spider in the shower!!!
All that, to say:
I would scream loudly.....
at the top of my lungs....
at the spider,
who jumped on me in the garden,
AHHHHGGGHHHH!
GET OFF!!!
GET OFF!!!
GET OFF!
Get it?
I know God made spiders for a reason,
and that spiders are necessary....
but as far as I am concerned,
they are..
ahem...
'necessary'
far
far
far away from MEEEEEE....
Go away spider
they are super ugly ugly ugly little poisonous monsters!!!!
(in my opinion that is).
Sooo with that led in:
( the spider talk will make sense eventually
as a 'miracle').
Let me begin, my 2nd childhood post in foster care.
I am now almost 6 years old.
And I believe I was only in this home,
for about a week.
Oh dear, here is one more piece of info
as an aside.
For almost 6 years...
I never had a toy of any kind
( not a doll, or a teddy bear, nor a yo-yo,
no ball, bottle of bubbles, jump rope,
book etc etc.
Here is something you need to know about foster children today:
I thought perhaps,
the fact I never had any toy of any kind,
was due to it being around
1951...
But no
Our landlord's ex wife
has been a child protection service worker etc.
and I had told her about being a foster child,
and never having one toy of any kind...
And she told me:
That is NOT unusual for foster children today!!!
So even if you only go to garage sales
or the Dollar Tree etc.
Please pick up a book, a teddy bear something for your foster child.
Of course,
your love, and telling them of God's love
is the supreme main thing....
And oh by the way:
Foster parents in:
Fairbanks, AK. get
$88,139 per year...per child!
In Oregon where I now live:
In Oregon, foster parents can earn a range of salaries,
with the 'average'
being $52,127 per year...
However:
Top earners make
$100,442 a year.
So I think you can spring for a dollar toy
at the dollar tree?
Back to my 2nd miracle.
Apparently, I was 'extremely' thin
( It turned out when I got to my adopted parents
my 'mom' who was an RN, took me to a doctor....
and I was filled with worms
and had to take the most awful medicine)
Sooooo these foster folks,
were trying to put some weight on me.
They had told me:
if I would finish.... completely....
every day,
my breakfast for a week...
they would get me a puppy!!!!!!!!!!!
However, I don't believe they ever intended to do that.
For one thing,
they had me...
a brand new foster child,
but also......
A brand new infant!!!
So to add a puppy to the mix???
No, I don't think so.
But they must have thought it was a good motivation ploy!
And it was, I was thrilled at the thought!
However on day 7 of the 'deal'...
I believe they tripled or quadrupled the oatmeal cereal,
I was to finish....
and of course,
I could not finish it!
( you may be wondering but what about the spider,
a puppy is NOT a spider)?
It will be coming....
Hang in there!
( YIKES! but not like the way a spider 'hangs' on it's web!!)
And so,
now,
the terrible miscommunication
and
misunderstanding begins!!
As a foster child,
when the option for a puppy was no longer available,
I did NOT in any way, shape or form,
think to dispute, rebel, think of revenge etc.
I had spent 6 years, without any say,
concerning my being pulled out of home after home.
There was no use in even considering such a thing
as:
to rebel against having my having to go to a new home,
or leave the one I was in. etc.
So once the puppy option was no longer available,
I completely and totally put it out of my mind!
It was a DONE deal,
dead in the water,
and my mind was truly blanked out
concerning it!
Well, the foster folk said for me to go outside
and 'play'???
( play???
What would I play with?
or how? .....I had no clue)
and then....
they said:
Do NOT touch the baby!!!!!!!!!!!
I had no idea what a 'baby' was?????
I had never seen a 'baby'
In fact, I could not even think,
it was kind of like a doll
having never seen a 'doll'????
Sooooo
out I went.
The yard was pretty big
but I soon started to hear
a noise....
Crying.....
to me it was very very very sad crying!
And there was a 'bassinet' and the crying was inside.
Here is where it started to go all together wrong.
I looked inside
and the crying was there....
I had a 'perfect' idea and solution!!!
( so I....
as a 6 year old thought)
I forgot the command:
Don't touch the baby!!!
Instead, I thought
I will bring it to the mom
and joy of all joy,
she will make it all better!!
What could go wrong?
It was a perfect solution!!!
NOT!
But no one had ever shown me how to pick up a 'baby'!
Can you begin to see how this is going to tragically go wrong?
Well, if you never saw a doll,
or a 'baby'
the way to pick it up....
was the neck of course!
And so I did.
And that
(holding the baby by the neck)....
cut of the air supply of the infant
and she began to be dead weigh,
as she went unconscious....
But in my 6 year old mind
I thought...
OH OH!!!
I can't let her feet touch the ground...
how terrible.... they would get dirty!!!
( perhaps I had been chastised somewhere
in my life about 'dirty' feet?)
So I held onto her neck even tighter
though she was already unconscious from lack of oxygen...
But yeah!!!
Here came the baby's parents.
I was soooooo happy
they would fix everything
so I was smiling a big happy grin!!!
But that is NOT what they saw or thought!!!!!!
They saw:
a true demonic child of the devil,
a child killer, who was grinning with joy
at the revenge,
I had done to them
because of not getting the puppy!!!
( by killing their baby....the baby was NOT dead however).
so the mother grabbed the baby,
and rushed to the hospital....
the man however grabbed me by one arm, held me off the ground
( and I thought.....this is soooooo great!
perfect!!!!
Just like I planned,
the mom would fix the baby,)
and now the man was playing this fun game!!!
Wheeeee!
Well, not quite!
He was in an an absolute true murderous rage!
In fact, I suspect, he may have thought,
he was doing the world a giant favor
in attempting to kill me!
Ridding the world of a killer!!!
But instead of chocking me to death quickly on the spot...
I think he wanted to wipe what he considered a smirk off my face,
and
make me suffer like his infant!
At this point, he probably was not sure if she would live,
and if she did,
would she be brain dead, or in some way,
handicapped for life?
So he brought me into their home,
picked up something to hit me with...
repeatedly until he just got too tired.
At which point he dragged me to the bedroom
(where I had been staying)
and threw me in the closet....
But as he was about to close the door and lock it
I spoke up and said...
There were spiders in there!!!
I must have seen them?
He grabbed me and screamed at me:
If he heard...
ONE. MORE. WORD.
from me,
he would finish what he started
he. would. KILL. me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so...
he slammed the door
and left me locked in the total dark
with the spiders....
To this day....I would have screamed
But that is where the miracle happened
be it ever so small...or bigish
I believe Jesus was with me
and he closed my mouth....
( not unlike he closed the mouth of the lions for Daniel!)
and there I and the spiders stayed...
until a social worker came to fetch me
and my paper bag with a few clothing items
And off I went at about noon
or so...
to what would become my adopted parents.
Oh and that night
my adopted mom,
called in my adopted dad
to show him I was covered
completely in bruises.
she had worked in ER
private doctors
and as a visiting home nurse
So she had seen men in ER from bar fights
women beaten by their husbands or boyfriends
etc etc.
But I was so badly beaten,
they decided there and then
to never spank me
( I am not sure, that was a good decision
but they were getting close to their 60's
and never had children
and I can see how they were very compassionate sooooo)
But the miracles Jesus did for me as a teen....
were waaaaaaay more intense and off the wall amazing.
But I will end this early childhood
as a foster child to say....
I spent some time as a teen,
with several psychs
and they ALL thought I had been sexually abused.
I have no recollection of such a thing at all!!!
However, that does in fact happen,
to waaaay too many foster children.
After all they are nobody's children,
they are thrown away etc.
Or some men might view them as...
( just as many men have no problem seeing some women
as fine to sexually abused,
in anyway they want,
because the women are prostitutes,
and of no worth whatsoever...
in fact, they can even kill them,
because they are of zero value...
or so they 'think'!
But God does NOT think that!!!!
So again, if you take in a foster child,
they may have been sexually abused
and they may believe they are worthless
Please let them know God loves them!
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fearnot
Living With Pain
Posts: 8,383
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Post by fearnot on Nov 12, 2024 16:13:14 GMT -5
I forgot to say:
I pray for that whole family...
first that they might all be saved
And that the 'baby' was fine with no lasting handicap
from my foolishness.
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!!
